World Exclusive: Kate Middleton puts on the kettle for Hello! Magazine

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Interviewer: “HRH, it’s wonderful to be allowed this opportunity to ask you inane questions. First of all how are you finding married life?”

Kate: “Jolly lovely so far. Jolly lovely. Wills has hardly been in the house. Nice and quiet. I whip round with the hoover first thing, and then get the kettle on then that’s me for the day – tea, Jammy Dodgers and daytime television. Unless of course I’ve got some “Boring Boring Katie’s Snoring” function to go to. Then I just put my rollers in, slick of Juicy Tubes and off I totter.”

Interviewer: “You’re the newest member of the Royal Family, how have you found adapting into their lifestyle and customs?”

Kate: “It’s been an education, I won’t lie to you. For instance, on Christmas Day we all had to stand in the back garden at Sandringham and sing “Silent Night” in eight part harmony (in German of course!). It should have been nine, but of course poor Phil was in hospital with his heart thingy so we were missing a soprano. But we carried on regardless; The Queen won’t have it any other way. She refuses to alter protocol for anything. She once turned up to the opening of a crisp packet dragging her iron lung behind her. Such an inspiration and a trooper…”

Interviewer: “Indeed. Talking of being a trooper how was the Royal Deflowering? A world waited with bated breath on the evening of the 29th April…”

Kate: “Well, it certainly wasn’t an Annus Horribilis that’s for sure!! (That’s a little joke I slipped in there…just like Wills on the wedding night!! Ho ho!). No, it was jolly lovely. Jolly lovely. Obviously I mean I don’t want to give too much away – mind you, I haven’t got much left to give now the old hymen’s been broken! But it was very nice. Little bit of Barry White on the stereo, adjustable lighting on low. Wills opened a chilled bottle of Blue Nun (which incidentally was his pet name for Princess Margaret) and away we went!”

Interviewer: “It sounds idyllic. Of course, now our thoughts will be turning to the next generation of Royals for which you and your fragrant husband will be responsible for. How are you preparing for motherhood?”

Kate: “Obviously I’ve upped my eating game. I’m actually swallowing food now, rather than just looking longingly at it and sighing. I'm also reading a really hilarious parenting book called Cocktails at Naptime the problem is it's making me laugh so much I've had to buy some Tena Lady, which isn’t always conducive to “the sexy” as Wills calls it. The book talks about how Mothers of History (including Queen Victoria and Marie Antoinette) dealt with getting their figure back as well as an essential guide to transforming your partner into a sex symbol using only household bleach and a pair of rubber gloves. Thinking of getting Wills to do a spot of washing up when he gets back from wherever he is at the moment…”

Interviewer: “It must be so hard for him…”

Kate: “Constantly. I very often get ruderies via text message from him…he’s always telling me how hard he is. I mean “it” is. It. Being apart I mean. Gosh. I’m blushing now!"

Interviewer: “Quite. It must be very difficult for you to both find alone time, just for two of you? Where and how would you spend your couple time if you could choose anywhere?”

Kate: “Gosh! Well, I mean it’s a very difficult situation for us both. If I’m not attending the twanging of a rubber band or something else that requires me to smile and swish my hair about, then Wills is away being all brave in a helicopter somewhere. Ideally, we’d sail away somewhere on a lovely world cruise, just the two of us, plus all 340 of our Servants, my Hairdresser, Make-Up Artist and Chief Cook and Bottle Scrubber. A nice private time where we can just be ourselves and pose in cocktail slacks on the poop-deck in full view of the tabloid newspapers. That would be perfect. I’ve already been taking waving lessons from Her Maj in preparation for it. I’m developing a Docker’s Forearm already. It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it!

Interviewer: “Thank you for taking the time to speak to us today, Kate”

Kate: “My plesh. I’m just about to stick the kettle on. Tea and a Custard Cream before you go..?”