The sultry Naomi from featured me on SheKnows’ Daily Delights mentioned me as one of the Top 10 Humor Blogs. So now I've got a bit of performance anxiety. I have to show I am funny and will no doubt end up with bloggers' droop. So here goes nothing.
Another funny lady Naomi raved about was the Un Mom who runs Random Tuesdays.What's that you may well ask? Well it's basically a challenge. Put on the slap, go to the nearest bar and see how long it takes to 'bag and bed' a random person of whichever gender you fancy.
It's actually a game where you scribble down whatever's in your head. So here's what's in mine:
Jelly Brained Bint Senility beckons. Everyone in the family got new sneakers on the weekend. Well yesterday I was wearing rain boots as it was raining to I took what I thought were my new sneakers with me to the gym. When I got there I could not get the sneakers on. I'd totally forgotten my daughter had gotten new sneakers and that these were hers. I kept thinking either I've drunk an Alice in Wonderland potion and my feet have shrunk or I'm so senile that I bought shoes two sizes too small. I couldn't work out in the small sneakers as I felt like my toes were being crushed in a vise - and in a feat of madness I even drove home to get my old sneakers so I could partake in the 'Body Pump' class. Six hours later my daughter pointed out I'd been trying to wedge my Plates of Meat into her new sneakers like an Ugly Sister into a glass slipper. So basically I am going totally gaga. Is it just me? Please tell me it's not just me.
Aussie Brothel Opening I keep seeing business opportunities everywhere. Like I don't actually want to run the businesses but you know, I see the openings. Like my husband's brother works in a copper mine in Australia, a three hour flight from Perth. The workers on base get two weeks on and one week off when they are flown back to Perth. Now imagine the scene: 400 men and 4 women live in this complex. Now apart from offering the women workers free chastity belts and putting steel plates in their bedroom doors to stop them being broken into by randy engineers (by the way they also give all the workes a 24/7 open bar - only in Australia -so this is an accident waiting to happen) isn't it obvious that there is an opening here for a brothel? Since brothels are legal in Australia this seems like a no brainer. You can't put 400 randy lads in the middle of nowhere and not expect things to go pear shaped without some degree of release? That's just plain unfair. Contact me now to learn more about this exciting business opportunity. Supply and demand you see. I reckon you could do ten minutes work for $100 Australian. Market forces and all that. What say you?
Vegetables in Jello Diet I'm thinking of starting a vegetables in Jello diet. Because eating bright radishes in lime jelly would make even my cast iron stomach do a back flip. Patent pending. The wierd thing is those cheerful peeps in this video actually make it seem feasible so try some veg in jello today!
I'm afraid that's all there is in my cranium at present but please link up and join in the fun and let's see what delectable morsels lie at the bottom of your brain. So Random Up Y'All
Today sees me venting a fit of camping rage over at my column in At Home magazine
Since both my daughters are going camping with the Brownies this weekend, the Brownie leader asked me if I wanted to come along as a chaperone...
Luckily I just about stopped myself from screaming, “No! Of course not! Are you insane!” I mean, come on, we are talking about a total back to nature experience here. We are talking about waking up amongst a gaggle of Brownies in a really bad mood without any access to a coffee machine.
Tweak my button to read the rest of the article here:
It isn't often I get behind a cause but getting behind Slummy Single Mummy's campaign for Equal Rights for Orgasms seemed like a no brainer. She first spearheaded the campaign after her new boyfriend told her something about "the natural ratio of male to female orgasms is five to one, three to one if you’re lucky. Apparently this is Nature’s Way. Something to do with cavemen and childbirth." And while she's pretty sure he was just yanking her chain, when I first read that dreadful statistic, 5 to 1, well, I screamed.
I don't often react violently to something I read and bear in mind I was reading her blog in a public library. A librarian came over and told me to "simmer down." So I did. Still reeling with shock, I slunk to the bathroom, splashed cold water over my face and tried to think whether there could be any truth to this statistic.
Now I don't want to boast but I'm pretty much a 2 or 3 to 1 (female to male). The way I see it women can have multiples so we're streets ahead. So maybe it takes a few months training with diagrams, very loud moaning when he 'hits the mark' and felt tip marked circles around the erogenous zones (I only partly jest) but once your partner is fully trained surely it's a no brainer to take the lady to the top of the mountain and hear her yodel?
No, if this 5 to 1 thing is the case, and that some women are going without their rightful share of orgasms, then I'm afraid I have to lay it firmly at the feet of the women. Sure I've been with guys who for one reason or another didn't exactly light my fire but obviously those boyfriends were put back on the 'gently used' shelf so some other poor sucker could try and breathe life into their subpar sexual skills.
If the guy isn't hitting the mark then that's it, as far as I'm concerned, it's curtains. And before you think I'm being selfish think about if the clitoris was on on the other foot: if your partner did not regularly climax, if you left him high and dry more often than not, would he happy about it? Or would he complain so much you'd never hear the end of it? You know the answer. I'm really tired of hearing women's mags talking about sex as 'enjoy the journey, don't try and rush to the destination.' What a crock. Now, not being of the leisure class with the funds to fly Business Class with my own valet, I can't say there's many a journey in a smelly economy flight surrounded my my own puking progeny that I've enjoyed that much even when the final destination was lovely. So I say no, the destination is what's important and sod the ride.
Which brings me to the dare to bare portion of my post. Do you think the 5 to 1 ratio is right? If you are a female, does that ratio apply to you? If so what do you think is going wrong? If you are a man does the 5 to 1 sound right? Even taking into the account the high numbers of O fakers out there.
And if - God forbid - you are not even achieving a 1 to 1 I urge you to join the campaign for Equal Rights for Orgasms as a matter of urgency.
Well last week I volunteered to lead twelve seven year olds through a forest on a field trip to learn about Native Americans. The trip lasted four hours and afterwards I had to have a G&T and a nap. I mean seriously, the twelve went in all different directions, tried to skate on an icy pond and fell over, got knee deep in mud, and generally whacked each other while I shouted myself hoarse trying to get them all in single file. And were any of them grateful for this marvellous educational opportunity? No, most of them moaned and said they were 'freezing and wanted to go home.'
So when I saw that video of the goldfish doing synchronized swimming after allegedly being fed iron filings and dragged around by a magnet I must say the thought did occur to me about how much easier it might have been for me and for all those teachers and Girl Scout leaders on the verge of a nervous breakdowns if they'd simply followed suit. How much easier it would be if, on school trips, all the kids were secretely fed iron filings for breakfast (easily done mix it with All Bran and I defy anyone to tell the difference) with the result that they'd then march behind me in single file pulled along by a giant magnet sequestered in my backpack.
In fact I can think of a lot of ways in which the iron filing/magnet idea could save people a lot of effort. For example what about lazy pole dancers? If the lady wore a metal headdress she could be sort of spun round via giant magnets.
There are so many ways magnets could help us. I'm sure you can think of some. Go on let's put our thinking caps on. Who would you like to magnetize?
If any of you out there are newly solo and rushing to join a dating website, let me offer you a word of caution before you dive in. There is a new breed of man out there looking to hook forty plus women. He will whisper words of utter delight in your ear, he will look like a God and will immediately be smitten by 'your beautiful smile.' The downside is he's a Romeo Scammer, and, as a mature friend of mine told me, they are wriggling all over the dating website scene, like woodworms in wood!
Who am I? Displaced Londoner now living in the States with my two little girlies and long suffering husband. Co-author of hilarious parenting book Cocktails at Naptime www.cocktailsatnaptime.com
My mom's an Austrian, my dad's a Brit, which makes me a Britaustrian, or possibly an Austrish?