Fitness Fanatic in a Headbrace

No pain no gain, is Catholic Jenny's motto

I first came across Catholic Jenny when she was just another mom at the crappy gym I go to. I knew from the first moment I met her that she was a nut because she had bright blue eyes that radiated a messianic fervor and had the kind of chirpy upbeat personality that makes me want to stab myself in the eyeballs. She was always extra friendly to me while I did my best to avoid making eye contact. My instinct that she was a fruitcake was confirmed by my friend Sally who told me, "Avoid Catholic Jenny like the plague. She pimps out her kids. She arranges a playdate with you and then as soon as you've got to her house she lugs out this suitcase full of Avon Cosmetics and tries to make a sale. If you say you're not interested she starts hawking Jesus. I was out of there so fast I left skidmarks on her drive."

"Thanks for the head's up," I told Sally, rubbing my hands together with glee. I was going to alienate Catholic Jenny before she could invite me to her house, lock me in her basement and start chanting the rosary while waving an incense holder in my face. As luck would have it I am brilliant at alienating people and indeed this turned out to be a walk in the park.

So the next time I saw her, in the childcare section of the gym picking up her four kids (all under six!!) I got chatting and after a while I said innocently, "You're not Catholic are you?"

She said, "Yes, I am actually."

I looked appalled. "You mean like hard core? I mean do you use contraception?"

To which she replied (with a totally straight face) "Well only, you know, the Rhythm Method."

"Well it doesn't seem to be working does it ?" And ran off laughing.

Immature? Maybe. But effective. After that although she greeted me with the same inane smile I knew she would never dare to make a playdate overture. Result!

Then she became a fitness instructor and pretty soon the power of being able to proselytize her fitness mantra (Cookies are bad, overexercising is good) in class went to her head. When you go to her class you have to shout out what 'bad foods' you've eaten over the last few days. Sometimes she asks you to shout out your favorite cookie and then each time we lift our dumbbell we can visualize 'burning that naughty cookie.' I think it's a great idea - if we were all like, five years old.

Then there's the issue of her fitness injuries. She's always hobbling in wearing some kind of neck brace or wrist support and sighing in pain while saying, 'We don't always listen to our bodies do we?'

To which I actually replied, 'Well I do. If an exercise hurts I just stop doing it and lie down.'

Ignoring me she went on. 'I'm only thirty-six but I have all these injuries from pushing myself too hard. The doctor told me he wanted to give me steroid injections for my back pain but I told him it really wasn't necessary.'

Oh you brave little Christian solidier!

An ancient device used to torture heathens

Seriously, this woman is hawking shit make up and running three or four fitness classes a day, mainly I suspect because she gets the free child care at the gym, and crippling herself in the process by pushing herself way beyond the limits of what the human body can endure and get this, we're now meant to take the 'fitness advice' of someone two IQ points short of a George Bush seriously.

'Let me get this straight,' I want to say. 'You have four kids because you didn't fully understand that having unprotected sex would lead to having babies. And popping out four kids when you obviously have to work five jobs to make ends meet, well that's plain daft. Also, only rich people would have four kids who are sent to Catholic private school (I mean, come on, is there anything funnier than people actually paying for their kids to be brainwashed?) And then you act like you are an authority on fitness and actually shout out about how we have to 'stay focused on what we want to change. Think of yourself in your new swimsuit or that pair of micro shorts. What are your goals?' My goal is to avoid turning into Mama Cass in a Mumu riding around Wal-Mart on a motorized scooter. But this time I kept it buttoned and let her shout out her self-loathing garbage.

I don't usually go to her classes but the next time I go I really really want to shout out, 'Oh forgive me Jesus I had an ice cream sandwich yesterday and I'm gonna burn in hell for it,' while bursting into tears.

Am I a voice in the wilderness here or have you ever had a fitness instructor with a God complex who got on your last nerve?

And now, it being Friday, please join me in flogging your blog:

Are You An Attention Whore?

Sometimes I get so tired of people telling me there is no work out there. Because recently I heard of this really nice website called Craigslist where you can get some totally great work in the lucrative world of TV no less - short hours, great pay and you don't just have to look like Heidi Klum. I actually applied to Craigslist to be a translator for some of their adverts [see pink translations about what job actually requires]. For some reason they turned me down.

So what are you waiting for, log on to Craigslist and find yourself a lucrative part time income. [These are all real Craigslist current postings]:

Tall curvy women wanted for video work £130 for 5 hours work

Tall curvy women wanted for part time video work by amateur cameraman.Size 10 to 14, aged 18 to 40. No experience required. No sale or publication of work. Private project. Eye masks provided for your privacy. £130 cash payment for 5 hours work.Quick response for those replying with photos and contact number.

Eye mask provided so you can be driven to an unknown location and made to do wierd things with root vegetables. For cameraman read 'I just bought my first digital camera yesterday and am desperate to try it out.'

"Natural" Ladies Required for Solo Modelling Work (UK Nationwide)

UK ladies aged 18-45 are required for paid, solo female, men's magazine style work. Breasts don't have to be large, but must be natural. Must also be completely natural in the knicker region (i.e. un-shaved and un-trimmed), or would be prepared to "grow back" for the shoot. The photos are for a specialist "natural" company in the States. First-timers and girl next-door types especially welcome.

Must be prepared to sprinkle Miracle Gro onto private parts if necessary.


Tall or large shoe size girls for modeling (West London)

This is a great opportunity for some nice part time work, girls only. The requirement is that you are tall 5'10"or above, or have large shoe size 8, 9 or 10 UK or even larger is fine. Ideally you would have both requirements matched. The work is mainly leg and shoe/foot modelling and is good pay per hour.

Watch out this is a scam. They say they will take anyone but if you are a midget with sensationally large feet they may send you packing. Could make money from suing for big footed midget discrimination.

Male and ticklish? (London)

We are looking for men between 18 and 40 to participate in an unusual video production. This is a project about men's ticklishness and will include a short interview followed by a session where the candidate will be tickled. To be clear, this is not a porn production - and there will not be nudity - this is just a fun, but unusual, project to establish how ticklish ordinary guys in London really are and how they respond to being tickled. Please contact us, with a recent photo of yourself, for futher details. Compensation: £100 for about 1 hour participation

Um, I am pretty sure 'tickling' must be a euphemism for appearing tarred and feathered wearing a ball gag in a movie but maybe this is just the cynic in me talking. If you are more trusting than me why not give them a call and see if they are just friendly guys who enjoy paying £100 just for the heck of tickling some sweaty old guy. Or not.


EAT NON-FOOD ITEMS?

The producers of "The Biggest Loser" are casting a new eating disorder docu-series for major network.

Do you have an addiction to chalk or soap? Are you constantly craving non-nutritional items?

Do you find yourself eating non-food things and you don't know why?

If so tell us you story.

If selected, you will receive compensation and FREE treatment for telling your story.

I was extremely tempted by this except the only non-food item I eat are my cuticles. But if you regularly find yourself nibbling on your bathroom rug and your husband has told you enough is enough or if you bite the heads off pigeons then this could very well be an opportunity to be on TV and have all your colleagues laugh at you. It will also lead to the breakdown of your marriage and prevent you from ever getting a job again as the video of you sniffing underarm deoderants (or whatever your addiction is) goes viral on youtube. Other than that Go For It!

Norman Tebbit who may or may not have said "get on your bike and look for work"

So come on girls and guys what are you waiting for? Log onto Craigslist, get on your bike and start peddling.