Speedy Seductions

Often I hear my single male friends whine "What do women want?" It seems that when it comes to women most men do not know how to seduce women. Believe me it is the easiest thing in the world, so why do men buy pricy books about tricking women by hypnosis, or attend speed seduction seminars that teach you to use 'key words' to tickle her 'hot spots.' Why also do men spend millions of dollars on pumping up their muscles, getting hair plugs, getting their teeth covered so they resemble chicklets etc. when the answer is staring them right in the face.

Let's start with all the things that women have no interest in hearing about and will give them the runs faster than a three day old taco.

1. At a party you immediately launch into "Hello I am Digbert and I am the CEO of a company that manufacturers widgets"....and on in detail about what you do for half an hour. Now, I don't care if you're Bill Gates or some super surgeon - I don't want to hear about your work unless you have some amusing anecdotes or you have somehow met/operated on someone famous. Sure it would be nice to know that you are not living off the dole/your mum but that's all I need to know.

2. I don't want to know about the size/dimensions of your car.

3. I don't want to know about the size/dimensions of your penis.

4. I don't want to know about how many women you have 'pleasured.' You are on very thin ice if you start rolling out the numbers. Under ten indicates intimacy issues while over fifty indicates you are seriously insecure or regularly go out wearing beer goggles. A fetish for older women indicates that you never successfully left your mummy's womb or cut the umbilical.

5. Please don't try and sneak into my flat at the end of the night with the excuse "I've missed the last bus I'll sleep on the sofa and not do anything I swear," "I just wanted to see your soft furnishings," or "I'm in real estate and am very interested in checking out your square footage."

6. If you invite me round for a meal make sure you know how to cook. Cooking does not include boiling spaghetti, tipping Ragu sauce over it and looking proud.

7. If we ever get to the bedroom take it slower than a blind OAP on a motorized scooter. No fast moves as this causes serious friction burn/bruising or more seriously, an elbow in the eye.

8. There is something quite endearing about how much men make fools of themselves while trying to pull women. As my husband tells me "If men did not make fools of themselves the human race would have died out." Indeed, it is truly one of the great wonders of the world how many times they will ask a woman out and not care how many times they are knocked back. Nevertheless, crass moves to be avoided are the hand written note handed to you in the library saying 'You are hot. Here is my number. Let's meet for coffee?' Do these men seriously think you are going to text them maybe with 'Sounds Great! Let's meet in a deserted car park after dark and get to know each other.'

Another of my pet peeves is men who do 'the Lunge' - you know what I mean girls. You are in mid conversation and suddenly he leans over and clamps his lips to yours. If you are going to 'Lunge' - and quite frankly I'd rather you didn't - then at least wait until I have stopped chewing my food and/or there is a gap in the conversation.

Well I could go on here but I know you are all chomping at the bit waiting to find out how to successfully seduce the ladies. In fact I recently discussed this topic with my good friend Gorilla Bananas who spoke out against the practice of trying to hypnotise women into bed. I told GB in no uncertain terms:

"I would love to come back as a man! It is the easiest thing in the world to seduce a woman. Please DON'T go on about your mindbogglingly boring job and how much you earn. Please DON'T go on about how good in bed you are (yawn). A man just has to be a bit flattering and then listen, nodding and making 'mmm' interested sounds while the woman rambles on about herself. Men who listen are so rare that this is a very successful seduction technique."

To which Gorilla Bananas replied:

"Exactly. Which is why a lot of women fall in love with their shrinks. It amazes me that more men haven't worked this out."

So there you have it. Okay lads, don't thank me for solving all your problems seduction wise, glad to help out.

And ladies, am I right? Do you just want a good listener? And can you think of any seductive type stuff men do on a first meeting that totally turns you off?