Wednesday, January 06, 2010
I am not sure what has happened but I think I am going to become one of them whingers who whines on about their weight. I looked at one of them BMI charts and found myself to be twenty pounds over the average weight for my height so I thought oh shit how did I do that? The answer is pigging out but alas, here we are. Swords have been drawn, plans have been made. My six year old has been put on 'chocolate watch' and we will be paying the bills for her therapist for years to come.
My husband when I confronted him with my excess poundage said,"All you have to do is eat less and exercise more."
To which I said "Yes but what about CHOCOLATE? It is everywhere. Unlike heroin I can buy it at the corner shop."
So my six year old aka Sausage has become a Chocolate Gestapo and has been told by dad to "Keep her away from the chocolate and squeal if she touches it."
So I have been finishing off various boxes of chocolates because well you don't want to waste them do you what with kids starving in Africa, before I start my 'diet.' Indeed, I have been munching chocolate bits and bobs here and there but before I can get stuck in Sausage appears like a midget version of Gillian McKeith and say:
"Mum. Hand the box over. Hand over the chocolates."
I whine: "Just one more?"
"Hand them over. Now close your eyes. I'm going to hide them."
So this ritual has been going on for a while. Sausage is a chocolate squirrel and no doubt in a year or so I will find some rock hard stale chocolates hidden in various burrows.
I officially launched the diet yesterday. Basically I have found that as soon as I am at home I start hoovering up food. So I have decided to spend all my time at the gym and become one of those gym bores. There's one at every gym. Someone who knows everyone. A Kind of Gym Buddha. He/she is always there and will chat with ANYONE out of loneliness/desperation/because they are homeless and live at the gym.
"All hail the Gym Buddha."
Great! I'm going to become a GYM BUDDHA. Because there is no way on God's earth you can be on a running machine eating a Curly Wurly - it would be more humiliating than exposing yourself. You'd be laughed at. No it's time to become one of those Gym Buddhas and stand around after a workout with a carrot juice and say "God this tastes so good! Much better than chocolate."
Basically I am going to start living at the gym. It stops you eating and it will mean I will watch a lot of news on the gym TV and also watch a lot of BBC America where I am getting addicted to Gillian McKeith's You Are What You Eat where she flushes overweight people's cream cakes down the pan.
Watch out, pretty soon this Gym Buddha will have grown to the sweat soaked carpet of the gym. I will also be sprouting foot fungus from using the gym showers but I will be tight, toned and will know everyone at the gym even 'Letherous Lenny' 'Penny with the Pendulous Breasts' and 'Old Man Bert Don't Talk to Him or He'll Show You his 'Nam Scars.'
Wish me luck on my spiritual journey to become a gym buddha. Anyone else got excess poundage and care to join me?