Wednesday, January 06, 2010

All Hail the Gym Buddha


I am not sure what has happened but I think I am going to become one of them whingers who whines on about their weight. I looked at one of them BMI charts and found myself to be twenty pounds over the average weight for my height so I thought oh shit how did I do that? The answer is pigging out but alas, here we are. Swords have been drawn, plans have been made. My six year old has been put on 'chocolate watch' and we will be paying the bills for her therapist for years to come.

My husband when I confronted him with my excess poundage said,"All you have to do is eat less and exercise more."

To which I said "Yes but what about CHOCOLATE? It is everywhere. Unlike heroin I can buy it at the corner shop."

So my six year old aka Sausage has become a Chocolate Gestapo and has been told by dad to "Keep her away from the chocolate and squeal if she touches it."

So I have been finishing off various boxes of chocolates because well you don't want to waste them do you what with kids starving in Africa, before I start my 'diet.' Indeed, I have been munching chocolate bits and bobs here and there but before I can get stuck in Sausage appears like a midget version of Gillian McKeith and say:

"Mum. Hand the box over. Hand over the chocolates."

I whine: "Just one more?"

"Hand them over. Now close your eyes. I'm going to hide them."

So this ritual has been going on for a while. Sausage is a chocolate squirrel and no doubt in a year or so I will find some rock hard stale chocolates hidden in various burrows.

I officially launched the diet yesterday. Basically I have found that as soon as I am at home I start hoovering up food. So I have decided to spend all my time at the gym and become one of those gym bores. There's one at every gym. Someone who knows everyone. A Kind of Gym Buddha. He/she is always there and will chat with ANYONE out of loneliness/desperation/because they are homeless and live at the gym.


"All hail the Gym Buddha."



Great! I'm going to become a GYM BUDDHA. Because there is no way on God's earth you can be on a running machine eating a Curly Wurly - it would be more humiliating than exposing yourself. You'd be laughed at. No it's time to become one of those Gym Buddhas and stand around after a workout with a carrot juice and say "God this tastes so good! Much better than chocolate."



Basically I am going to start living at the gym. It stops you eating and it will mean I will watch a lot of news on the gym TV and also watch a lot of BBC America where I am getting addicted to Gillian McKeith's You Are What You Eat where she flushes overweight people's cream cakes down the pan.

Watch out, pretty soon this Gym Buddha will have grown to the sweat soaked carpet of the gym. I will also be sprouting foot fungus from using the gym showers but I will be tight, toned and will know everyone at the gym even 'Letherous Lenny' 'Penny with the Pendulous Breasts' and 'Old Man Bert Don't Talk to Him or He'll Show You his 'Nam Scars.'

Wish me luck on my spiritual journey to become a gym buddha. Anyone else got excess poundage and care to join me?

34 comments:

xl said...

I'm OK with the new Gum Buddha kick. But no born-again conversion for me!

Steve said...

I have been cursed by nature with an unending ability to eat and digest chocolate without putting on an ounce of weight. I am a human chocolate trash compactor. It's s dirty job but someone's got to do it. Normally I charge for this service but for you I'm offering to do it free. Simply mail all your excess chocolate to me and I will dispose of it in an eco-friendly way that won't offend starving children in third world countries. This is my pledge to you. I do it because I am your friend and not for any personal gain. Honest.

garfer said...

Choose the Garfer diet.

Give up food (apart from chocolate) and live on vodka instead.

Even if you don't lose any weight you'll be too sozzled to care.

VE said...

I started a new gym last month because it is so much cheaper and their building a brand new one just down the road. I was totally getting checked out by a couple of these workout women that obviously make the rounds at the gym. Since then I've tried to go during off hours and avoid the meat market...

Wow, that was awkward said...

Make sure you break a sweat while you talk to people at the gym all day. I've found that you can't just show up and expect results. It's just that those weights are so darn heavy! Big sigh...

Jaime said...

i've never heard of a curly wurly - but it looks like EXACTLY the kind of thing i should be munching on while running on the treadmill!

Scarlet Blue said...

I only like chocolate if it's dunked in tea... so this limits chocolate consumption. There's only so much tea you can drink before you start running backwards and forwards to the loo.[exersise]
I hope this helps.
Sx

Metropolitan Mum said...

I can only recommend Weight Watchers 1974 - the recipes are so disgusting, you wouldn't attempt to have a single bite and you'll loose weight quicker than you can say 'fluffy mackerel pudding' (yuck!). Plus, it's hilarious, i.e. abdominal training sans crunches.
http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html

El-Kevo said...

I've put on 18lbs in the past year and that's it. I'm on the Atkins.

The diet really works for me and I know I'll lose a stone in a month and it will stay off for another 18 months or so. It's bloody horrible though. Given the choice of meat-eater or veggie I'd go veggie any day because that's where most of the flavour is.

There is a lot to be said for the mantra "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels."

And I never up my trouser size. It's crucial that you take the snugness of your clothes as a message to get a grip on your weight.

Here endeth the lesson.

Donnw/2nz said...

Here in the vast glacial wilderness at the top of the civilized world, it is essential that we hewers of wood pack on the pounds in order to survive the winter.

I can assure you that it's completely natural for Women to carry an additional 20 pounds because that is the minimum amount required to conceive, carry, and deliver another consumer of goods & services into this world.

On the matter of Chocolate.
Let us not forget Lucifer's wicked pronouncement in the film Devil's Advocate.
"LOVE? Overrated.
Biochemically, no different from eating large quantities of chocolate."
Need I say more?

circus monkey said...

They should flush Mc Keith down the toilet as well with all the cream cakes and the rest of the food police.

Steph said...

Please, for the love of all that's holy, don't turn this into a weight loss blog!! I beg you!

I'll send you the good stuff, get a P.O box and i'll hook you up with all the chocolate you need, nobody has to know!!!!!!

badside said...

I'm right with ya sister, although I doubt that heavenly figure of yours is anywhere near 20 lbs over weight! The last few months have taken their toll on me, but now it's time for me to get back in top shape.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Have you though about what this diet will do to your sex drive? I'm hoping it will increase it.

Kira said...

my cupboard is currently bare. safe for you. except that jar of almonds.

BamaTrav said...

Well I guess that does it with the melting chocolate and pouring on the one we love as foreplay.

Some Chilean Woman said...

I tried the Being Broke diet, I can't buy any goodies that way. The downside is my creative cook mind, it doesn't stop me from making homemade doughnuts or chocolate chip cookies.

EmmaK said...

xl....Wear your rolls with pride
1:42 PM

Steve
....and digest chocolate without putting on an ounce of weight. I am a human chocolate trash compactor.

I hate you. Official.

Simply mail all your excess chocolate to me and I will dispose of it in an eco-friendly way
I appreciate the offer but what pleasure would I get out of it.

garfer...
Give up food (apart from chocolate) and live on vodka instead.

Ha ha good idea but did I mention I live in america. You can be considered an alkie here if you eat a liqueur chocolate at christmas!!! Vodka is great no hangover and good for you too but if I ended up at the school smelling of it some born again mummy would be sure to inform on me and I would be forced to go to AA.

VE...
I can't follow this...you DIDN'T want to be checked out by these women. Why, were they not fit?

Wow, that was awkward...
Yeah I spin like a nut on the cycle while I chat!

Jaime...
Unfortunately the Curly Wurly is only available in the UK.

EmmaK said...

Scarlet Blue...
I only like chocolate if it's dunked in tea...

pervert! that is so kinky and so perverse!!
I can eat chocolate any which way but loose including chocolate body butter etc etc

Metropolitan Mum...
mackerel pudding' (yuck!)
bloody good idea. Off to make the Chilled Celery Log!!

El-Kevo...
I've put on 18lbs in the past year and that's it. I'm on the Atkins.

I feel your pain but Atkins I dunno Kev I'm too weak methinks.
the world is a desperate place without pasta, baked potatoes, bread

Donnw/2nz...
No I don't really care that I'm
20 pounds overweight its just that I'd rather be 10 lb overweight because once the slippery slope starts then it will be 30lb and then it is Mama Cass in A Mumu and its all over.

circus monkey...
I can't say I haven't fantasized about giving mckeith a take of her own colonic irrigation - ice cold!

EmmaK said...

Steph..
please appreciate the fact you are in your twenties and can drink like fish and eat junk food up the wazoo and not put on an ounce. I was skinny until I was thirty and never saw the inside of a gym! I actually think you go to a gym which is wierd but there you go.

No fear not this will not become a diet blog I was just trying to think of some non pornographic subjects to write about for a family audience!

badside...
thanks for saying I have a heavenly figure!!

Gorilla Bananas...
Well I'm not exactly a nympho so I don't mind cranking up the libido. I suppose it could become problematic if I start propositioning other gym buddhas and offering them tantric sex.

Kira...
Well almonds are delicious in themselves!
What no chocolate chips???

BamaTrav...
Well I guess that does it with the melting chocolate and pouring on the one we love as foreplay.

good idea but I think I will try in the bath!

Some Chilean Woman...
I might try the Buenos Aires diet. pray tell why everyone in that city is stick thin? I guess they don't eat those lovely medialuna crossants!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Who was it who said a balanced diet is chocolate in each hand.

or

Who said she was only a light eater. When it got light she ate.

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

Thanks for the comment you left on my blog. I am loving yours, very funny. I shall tune in regularly now I know of it's existence.

EmmaK said...

grumpy old ken..thanks for stopping by. you crack me up!

very bored in catalunya....The grass is always greener eh! Just recently I was thinking of emigrating to Spain...will follow your blog to see what it is like from the horse's mouth!

Ro said...

Let us not forget that the Curly Wurly is the original diet chocolate - 50% of the calories of other chocolate. Of course it is - they're half air!

Have you never seen the adverts: "Curly Wurlies may help weight-loss as part of a calorie-controlled diet"?

fingers said...

What you need is a giant, great St Bernard puppy to go running with in the park...

Sister Christian said...

First, I love the pictures, especially the cat one. Actually looks a lot like my cats, but I like 'em big. More to cuddle with.
Good for you for taking initiative, but don't overdo it! Carrot juice isn't THAT fantastic and isn't it a crime to throw cream cakes down the pan?
It should be.
In terms of joining you...no thanks. I'm one of those enviable chicks who eats everything but has that fast metabolism.
My time will come when I have kids, though.
I'd probably just eat chocolate while on the treadmill, anyway.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
gweipo said...

put this picture on your refrigerator - actually put it on the kitchen door, and then shut it.

http://www.eatsmartagesmart.com/body-scan-of-a-250-lbs-woman-vs-a-120-lbs-woman/

Ms Smack said...

Good on ya! I joined the gym and despite almost belting my personal trainer, I'm actually starting to 'ENJOY THE GYM"

Those words are so rare and unthinkably MILES away from any normal language of mine, let me tell you.

I said to him 'I understand that I'll never be a chickie babe, but I need to be alot healthier'

ps. I hate that Steve guy that can eat all the choc he wants!

Did you know that to lose the sugar/fat from two Tim Tams, equates to 45 mins of inclined treadmill walking? MOFO!

EmmaK said...

Ro...."Curly Wurlies may help weight-loss as part of a calorie-controlled diet"?
I didn't know that!! I guess you just have one instead of a meal lol
Luckily, I am safe from the Curly Wurly lure as they are not available freely here.

fingers...
Good idea only I really hate most dogs especially St Bernards. I'm gonna try colonic irrigation lol

Sister Christian...
but don't overdo it!
ha ha no chance!
I'm one of those enviable chicks who eats everything but has that fast metabolism.
sending over a hit man!

gweipo...
put this picture on your refrigerator
Very disgusting and thank you.

Ms Smack...

I hate that Steve guy that can eat all the choc he wants!
Don't be too hard on him he does have a job that sometimes requires him to pick up hard dog and human turds so we all have our crosses to bear.

As for Tim Tams I LOVE THEM and I would walk all day to savor a packet.

Ro said...

I can send you a box of Curly Wurlies if it would help? :-D

Harbinger of Truth said...

Yeah. If the woman you love puts on a couple of pounds. Come to terms with it. the INNER woman is more important than the outer one. learn to love her new physique with a smile. A friend of mine's problem is when she gains weight it's pretty much all boob. I frequently buy her cookies. ;-) An ex put on 20 pounds and it all became booty. To quote Sir Mix-a-Lot. "I like big butts and I can not lie." There is an inherent beauty in all things feminine and REAL men should celebrate the female form in all it's shapes and sizes. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to do crunches for a good five minutes and run a motivating 3.5 Marine Corps miles.

tiger said...

I love it! Very creative!That's actually really cool.
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