A letter arrives in the post addressed to me. Inside it is an inventory from a company called Stockings HQ with a list of maybe (I am not kidding) fifty pairs of stockings in every shade, variety, sheerness. Why just a letter - why no stockings? Ah, I read on: your order has been dispatched. And why is this addressed to me? I don't care if my husband has an obsession with stockings but if this is addressed to me please do not tell me he has put it on my credit card? I am happy to be the legs inside the stockings but if I have to pay for them too, well isn't that like leg prostitution or something?
Well, we were going to have a romantic weekend to ourselves but our younger daughter Sausage unscrewed the water pump from the fish tank and flooded the sitting room. I don't know if it was a kind of Free Willy attempt to free the fish. Whatever it was it was bloody annoying, especially since we were now forced to punish her by not allowing her to go on a sleepover with her friend (my other daughter was going away camping). Anyway, as luck had it it turned out okay because Sausage went to a mall with us and now that I had almost received my order for the 4,000 stockings my husband's mind turned to the important subject of mules. Yes, unless you have your head in the sand you will know that mules are in. No I don't mean donkeys! I mean platform mules, cork mules, wedgy mules, mules in yellow, orange and blue. We had a few margaritas at Chili's (don't judge me re Chili's - we were in a mall and restaurant options were limited), and then Sausage and I ran around the place buying mules. I bought three pairs of mules. One pair was so high I don't know if I will ever be able to walk in them or even stand.
When I got them home I realized I have about 100 pairs of shoes. Ninety of them are suitable for the bedroom and not for walking and ten can at a pinch be worn to a restaurant.
I am pretty sure that the stocking and shoe situation is now totally out of control. Have any of you ever bought those storage systems (mine's from IKEA) only to find you have fifty boxes of stuff and while it is all tidily out of sight you cannot find anything? Each box is a mess of colorful single stockings. I would do anything for one of those sweet smelling gays from Queer Eye For the Straight Guy to come and sort out the mess that is my wardrobe. And don't even get me started on the tangled garter belts, babydoll nightdresses and assorted fetishwear. It is all about novelty it seems, and once it has been worn once or twice one craves new thrills. But what do do with the old stuff? Can you donate crotchless knickers to a thrift store?
I am penning a letter right now.
Dear Boys at Queer Eye
I am not gay. No really! I am not in the closet. I am a bona fide woman and I need your help. I have a pile of platform shoes, stockings and kinky underwear that is about to explode out of my room. Can you please come over and organize it or help me sort through it and give my unwanted stuff to the Charity For Poor Kinksters.
A Desperate Housewife adrift in a sea of seamed stockings xx
I just need to give everyone an update on my friend Lisa, age forty, divorced, two kids, rock hard ass. Her life is like one of those Spanish soap operas. She is dating a 53 year old hispanic guy from El Salvador who looks like a cross between Tom Selleck and a member of a Mariachi band (so she says I've never seen him). Because she has a need for regular sex she put up with his insane possessiveness and need to call her ten times a day. I had asked her if the relationship was functional. She said, "Yes, he can get it up without Viagra." She was very proud of his functionality.
Well, it turns out he was too functional. Some woman kept phoning Lisa up and saying in broken Spanish, "I am Pedro's girlfriend. He can go all night. He know how to please a woman. He is only with you for your money. I know you are wealthy woman." Lisa thought this lunatic was Pedro's ex wife. Firstly, Lisa doesn't have any money so she found that very funny. I suppose she also wondered if Pedro would have the energy to steer his 'boat' into two 'harbors' so to speak. Well it turned out the psycho caller was in fact Pedro's bit on the side who recently stormed around to Lisa's house and demanded that she stop seeing Pedro. Pedro was in the house at the time and Lisa slammed the door in the woman's face, went upstairs and started punching Pedro who wailed,
"What was I to do? She would come round at lunch time and bring me food. She was an easy picking."
Lisa punched his lights out and showed him the door.
That seems to be the end of Pedro for now.
= Spanish fly
Lisa's sister who is a few years younger and apparently stunning does not seem to have any better luck with men. She has a Spanish boyfriend who has poor personal hygiene and whose penis smells of "roquefort and fish and sometimes pee." Is this what they call Spanish fly?
A note to anyone with a foreskin out there: Can you please wash under it.
The most optimistic and inspiring person in the blogosphere, the luscious and literary Kate, has graciously awarded MHAH the Noblesse Oblige award. It is the blog equivalent of an Oscar, and I'm deeply touched.
The recipient of this award is recognised for the following:
1) The Blogger manifests exemplary attitude, respecting the nuances that pervades amongst different cultures and beliefs. 2) The Blog contents inspire; strives to encourage and offers solutions. 3) There is a clear purpose at the Blog; one that fosters a better understanding on Social, Political, Economic, the Arts, Culture and Sciences and Beliefs. 4) The Blog is refreshing and creative. 5) The Blogger promotes friendship and positive thinking.
The Blogger who receives this award will need to perform the following steps:
1) Create a Post with a mention and link to the person who presented the Noblesse Oblige Award. 2) The Award Conditions must be displayed at the Post. 3) Write a short article about what the Blog has thus far achieved – preferably citing one or more older post to support. 4) The Blogger must present the Noblesse Oblige Award in concurrence with the Award conditions. 5) Blogger must display the Award at any location at the Blog.
What has MHAH achieved? Well, I suppose I am just a helpless trapped victim of the blogosphere. Blogging is an addiction that has taken up much of my life. But it has also been a comfort because my number one favorite thing in a person is a sense of humor and ability to keep me entertained. And in real life these kinds of people are few and far between. So the blogosphere has kept me connected to some of the loveliest and funniest people on the planet.
And now, [drumroll] for the The Awards
The Awards go to:
Fingers, who is a mentally deranged legend in his own lunchbox. A man so funny he will make you wet yourself he also has an unfortunate fixation with women who have long gazelle legs (why not marry a gazelle eh fingers?) He says he is still single at fifty because he is too picky but it may be because he uses such hilarious yet unfruitful chat up lines as:
To a slightly-built chick who’s just wondered out loud what the pain of childbirth might be like and confessed she’s more than a little frightened by the prospect of the ordeal he said…’Well when you get home tonight take a #12 chicken out of the freezer and see if it will fit up your nose without any discomfort.’
To a well-mannered chick who’s just mentioned how embarrassing it is when her male Labrador humps the legs of her dinner guests under the table and is at her wit’s end as to what to do to curb his disgusting habit he said…’Have you tried sucking the dog off before the guests arrive.’
Fingers is an acquired taste. Try him you may like him. He's finger lickin' good.
Captain Smack. Captain Smack started his career as the bearded model in The Joy of Sex and now writes his hilarious blog while busily trying to rot his superior intelligence with drugs. He has also masturbated with toothpaste. This multitalented bearded genius can also sing and has a very sexy voice.
Steve is a self confessed chubby chaser who adores women who are covered in flab and whipped cream. He once told me - when I complained about the rings of flab on my stomach that he would "caress yours lovingly and do rude things to them with my tongue in the style of a French courtier." What can I say? With those words Steve had me, hook line and sinker. If you don't know Steve you will soon love him.
Electro-Kevin - I have to mention him because he is my number one fan and if I don't he'll go off on one. He tends to go on a bit about how England has gone to the Chavs but generally speaking he is a really sweet guy who is a train driver with an unfortunate penchant for bunny ears.
MJ at Infomaniac. This blog is not for the fainthearted - there are images on this that even the most hardened pervert may have trouble digesting including bananas used in creative sexual ways and some of the most unattractive men on the planet (nude to boot). But MJ's blog so clearly fosters a better understanding on Social, Political, Economic, the Arts, Culture and Sciences and Beliefs that she had to be included. It is actually something of a mystery how she has the time to write a blog. When she is not indulging in all night orgies she is in blogger rehab or posting large green elf pants around the globe. MJ you are my heroine!
Congratulations guys and girl and do pass on the Noblesse Oblige!!
Movies like Beyond the Valley of the Dolls are powerful propaganda machines for young wannabe popstar girls
It is with a huge sigh of relief that I learn that my daughter Scarlett, eight, has befriended the only hippies in her entire school. This school, while very good educationally has a demographic of the most earnest people on the planet. Most of them look about fifty. So you have gray hair WHY DON'T YOU DYE IT???? Many of them also have ruddy or flaky faces. Ever heard of 1. moisturizer 2. foundation 3. lipstick? Many of the moms like to talk about how they have double PhDs in Lobotomy and Phrenology but are staying home to nurture their genius children. Their houses are, it goes without saying, ridiculously neat and the kids all have those expensive beds that look like cars or fairy princess castles.
So luckily Scarlett has befriended this hippy girl called Dandelion and they are spending all their time together because they are in a band called The Rockin' Hoboes. Well yesterday I went around to the hippie house. The kids sleep on splintery old beds and piles of dirty and clean laundry are piled everywhere. They are naturally vegetarian and grow their own green beans. I cried with joy at the state of the basement which was overrun with four mangy cats, two dogs and two tons of floating dog hair. It also featured a huge, church style organ. Dandelion's dad said it was great because "the organ came with the house." I said, "Do you play the organ?" He said, "No, just the guitar. But it's great to have down here isn't it?" Okay. This guy was so positive I could have sworn he was high not just on green beans. The basement is crammed with many guitars, drum sets etc and the ceiling is so low he has to crouch to walk through it. "I had it looking kind of nice recently but then the cats kind of took over," he said, lifting a cat off a drum kit.
This subterranean lair is the recording studio for The Rockin' Hoboes. "We've laid down a few tracks," said Dandelion's dad. I have not heard the tracks yet but I've got a feeling that tunes written by two eight year olds may have certain similarities to The Shaggs:
But the real problem is that the fame of the band is spreading. Now all the kids in the neighborhood are saying they're in 'the band.' At one point Dandelion told my five year old, Sausage that she could be in the band too. Then yesterday Dandelion told her ha ha she wasn't really. So all I've heard for the last twenty four hours from Sausage is, "She SAID I WAS IN THE BAND!"
At some point I took Scarlett aside and said "Look, the reality of the situation is that although there are about twenty members of The Rockin' Hoboes you and Dandelion are really the only ones 'in' the band because you and Dandelion are the only ones who have actually recorded the tracks. The rest of them are just wanting to bask in your limelight. Listen to me Scarlett, they're just hangers on, they're just groupies." No, maybe that wasn't the right word ....
At which point Sausage pipes up, "Mommy, what's a groupie?"
Looking forward to phone call from school about Sausage telling everyone she's a groupie. Hey come on, I was just trying to explain to them about the pitfalls of the rock and roll lifestyle. It's never too young to avoid a Britney Spears debacle now is it?
Who am I? Displaced Londoner now living in the States with my two little girlies and long suffering husband. Co-author of hilarious parenting book Cocktails at Naptime www.cocktailsatnaptime.com
My mom's an Austrian, my dad's a Brit, which makes me a Britaustrian, or possibly an Austrish?