Now, some of them will be my own sexual disasters including:
The man who wore children's pajamas and bit me all over
The flatmate who used to have sex through clingfilm
If you have any hilarious dating or sex stories do please send your stuff to emmakcontact@[remove]yahoo.com
Now, the other aspect I need help with is the title. I need a kiss ass title that is obscene, catchy and sums up the theme of the book. I thought of Tickling the G-Spot, The Funny Side of Sex, but I feel that doesn't er, quite hit the spot.
So I am launching a Bad Sex Book Title Competition which will run until Thursday at 12.00 EST. The winner of the best book title will win my eternal devotion, some nude pictures of myself emailed to them* and some copies of the book.
So, collective amnesia has once again hit us. Everywhere people are saying, "I didn't see this recession coming. It came out of nowhere. I am angry because the value of my house has collapsed."
Now maybe I'm missing something important here but Governments tend to spend money with impunity until the coffers are empty and someone notices and says, "Oh shit." More to the point, house prices do not keep rising, then get to a certain point, then plateau, then collapse like a stack of cards. Also, there is a recession every ten years or so. So why be 'surprised' when the shit hits the fan after you spent the last ten years borrowing money, living beyond your means, buying a house you couldn't afford and not diversifying your investments?
I don't know, I just don't get it. I thought most sensible people saved money in case they were made redundant. I guess this is not the case. Okay, I'll get off my soap box.
Right now maybe some of you might want to poke my eyes out (and if there are any flamers out there this is the time to leap in and tell me I know jack all about economics or that I am an airhead - I love these kinds of belligerent comments and receive them all too rarely so please don't be shy and jump right in!) So maybe you have been laid off, have chickens in the back yard or are running your car on chip grease. But you still aren't making ends meet. So what should you do? Tell me this: Can you beg, borrow or steal a sheaf of paper and a pencil? If you can you can become an author. Don't worry if you have nothing to say or are intellectually challenged. Dubya just landed a $7 million book deal and he doesn't even know how to successfully eat a pretzel.
I am getting a little bit tired of saying that all the books out there are for people with the IQ of a Dubya. There are plenty of quality books out there. Here's just a few of the best to inspire you:
The Tinkerbell Hilton Diaries: My Life Tailing Paris Hilton (Paperback) by Tinkerbell Hilton
An inspirational journey by one of the world's most famous Chihuahuas. Follow Tinkerbell as she accompanies her mistress to a colonic irrigation clinic and to a hair extension clinic. Full of doggerel, this book is brim-full of barking humour that will have you licking your balls with delight.
Katie Prices Perfect Ponies by Katie Price aka Jordan
Katie Price proves that not only has she made money from four ghostwritten novels called Angel and Hair Pasta and Crystal and Meth, she can also write about horses. Well, it keeps her in polka dot kneesocks.
If you're worried that you're neither a millionairess's chihuahua or have big breasts, don't let that stop you. Why not pick a famous inanimate object and write a biography on it? I am personally working on Diary of Camilla Parker Bowles' Tampon. It's sure to be an absorbing classic that can fit into the slimmest of spaces.
Give me the book titles you are working on. Let's support eachother here, take literature to new depths and make some dough at the same time!
Panic!! What to wear to the 80s tribute band The Legwarmers concert tonight???
Okay I look hot but maybe lose the Pacamac?
And the hat
Okay, wow, yes, shoulderpads are go!
Okay, here we are at the venue. Why is everyone so freaking young? And why do I feel so old?
"Hey, Babyface, what you doing here? I mean, were you even born in the eighties?" "No, but I was an ovum."
"Hey Babycakes, do you mind if I touch your rock hard head of hair?" "Not at all. Go ahead Lady, make my day."
Do you remember the pungent smell of 80's hair gel? .... mmm ... the scent of industrial waste ... it's all coming back to me ... slow dance at the disco, getting fingers stuck in a very stiff gel-caked flat top? Anyone want to share their sentimental 80's memories??
One of the biggest hurdles apart from Monica that Clinton had to mount at the tail end of his presidency were an excess of chimps. Since the mid eighties, scientists had been breeding chimps like crazy, thinking they'd be the solution to finding an AIDS vaccine. Ultimately, they found out that although chimpanzees could contract the AIDS virus, they rarely became sick from it. That meant it was hard to use the animals to test treatments or vaccines. This left hundreds of chimps with no place to go.
Consequently, Clinton signed the Chimpanzee Health Improvement, Maintenance, and Protection (CHIMP) Act into being - an act which vowed to take chimps that had been medically experimented on, as well as the chimps who'd been working at NASA as 'chimponauts' and put them in special chimp retirement homes. There were also some ex-showbiz chimps in the mix - because apparently after six years old chimps are totally unmanageable and difficult to control. One of the most famous federally funded chimp retirement homes is Chimp Haven in Louisiana which was founded by Dr. Brent.
Dr. Brent said, "We'd like to see them in a place where they can use their smarts," she said. "They know how to build nests. They know how to search for termites. They know the things they need to do to live in the wild. I think we have a really unique opportunity to help the chimps become chimps again."
And what of the chimponauts? "I've never worked with chimps more screwy, more altered, more disturbed than the chimponauts," said chimp expert, Dr. Carole Noon. "Each one came in with some kind of crazy behavior."
Amazing what these experts know isn't it? Who would have thought that strapping a chimp into a vessel the size of a hotel fridge would cause it to go nuts?
I suppose you're wondering what a chimp retirement home might look like. Well, it's not bad, they have spacious outdoor yards and playground equipment for swinging and climbing.
They also have TV.
"There are some that like soap operas," said Dr. Linda Brent, a behavioral researcher and director of enrichment at the Southwest Foundation for Biomedical Research in San Antonio. "I knew one named Sammy. He liked to watch Barney. Sometimes, they like shows like Jerry Springer, because it looks like the people are fighting. They like the action."
"It's a good moment for chimps, a very good moment," said Dr. Frans de Waal, a Yerkes primatologist who is on the board of Chimp Haven. "If we are not going to use them for biomedical studies, let's move them to a situation that is attractive to the chimps for retirement."
But wait, why are the chimps, once confined to small cages with electrodes drilled into their skulls being given this luxury treatment? Why weren't the excess chimps simply euthanized?
Hmm. With their striking genetic similarity to people -- chimps and humans share the same blood types, and their DNA is more than 98 percent identical -- chimps are attractive to scientists. The vaccine for hepatitis B, for instance, was developed in chimps, and they are still used to study hepatitis C and malaria, among other diseases.
Another chimp expert called Dr. Zola said that the scientists who mapped the human genome are now planning to do the same for chimpanzees, an effort that may make the apes even more valuable to science. "They may provide us with very important information," he said, "about what makes us human."
In 1997, a panel of scientific experts said reducing the chimp population by euthanizing excess apes would be unethical. Citing the genetic similarities, the experts said the government had "a moral responsibility" for chimpanzees' long-term care. Thus Clinton signed the CHIMP Act in 2000.
So let's face facts. These chimps are getting the special treatment because they are very useful to us as potential scientific subjects in the future. But it could also be because deep down we are afraid that if we don't play nice that one day the chimps may get hold of a few machine guns and create a Planet of the Apes scenario where WE are strapped into spaceships the size of fridges.
This post also inspired the marvelous cartoonist NotKeith to put pen to paper (see above). NotKeith does illustrations based on blog posts that have inspired him. To see if you can be his next inspiration go here.
Picture the scene: it is 2150, and a sexy looking older lady looking very much like EmmaK is having a drink down the pub with her new toy boy Peter.
Peter: I was just playing the trivia machine and the question came up: When did feminism end? What the hell is feminism?
EmmaK: Well the answer is 2123. What do you think feminism is?
Peter: I haven't a clue. Is it one of those old fangled type things like text messaging and MySpace - the sort of thing you oldies go in for?
EmmaK: Who you calling old? No, well feminism is, well, now this is going to sound crazy but bear with me. What happened was back in the 1960s things were ticking along nicely - most men went to work and the womenfolk stayed at home and raised the kids.
Peter: Sounds like a cushy little number.
EmmaK: Well it was, but some of these feminist ladies, Gloria Steinem and Simone de Beauvoir, well they started raising these women's consciences. Soon they all began to feel like raising kids wasn't very fulfilling, and they started to overdose on Vallium and burn their bras. Pretty soon they were like lions in a zoo, foaming at the mouth to escape from domesticity.
Peter: What did they want?
EmmaK: Well they believed work would fulfil them. They started saying they wanted to be like men. To work sixty hour weeks in an investment bank or one hundred hour weeks as a lawyer in toxic cut throat corporate environments.
Peter: What? Are you sure you're not having me on? Are you sure it isn't April Fool's Day?
EmmaK: No, I'm serious.
Peter: So what happened?
EmmaK: Well women entered the workplace in droves and by 2009 about seventy per cent of women worked.
Peter: They found the career fulfillment they were looking for?
EmmaK: Well a few did. But most of them ended up in low paid skivvy jobs. In 2009 most women were working low grade jobs for long hours at rates of pay much lower than men's. They were also, of course, looking after the kids and doing the housework.
Peter: What was the point of this feminism thing again?
EmmaK: It was meant to make women equal to men.
Peter: But if they were really equal in society wouldn't women have set up a society that suited women?
EmmaK: You mean like the society we have now?
Peter: Yeah, I mean, didn't they know that instead of trying to fit into the male world they should construct their own version and force the men to join it, a world of flexitime, telecommuting and the option to take long career breaks when the kids were small and not consequently fall behind men in salary because they'd fallen off the career ladder?
EmmaK: I don't know what to tell you. It was called the 'Feminist Movement.'
Peter: So how come I never learnt about this 'Feminist Movement' at school?
EmmaK: That trivia machine must be a really old one because in recent years the Government has more or less erased feminism from the history books. Feminism is now considered to have been something of a social experiment that went disastrously wrong in the sense that it did not empower women, enslaving them to their employers and the pressures of the Double Income Mortgage Bollocks, also known as the DUMBO.
Peter: So what changed?
In the Year 2123 the world returned to its natural order
EmmaK: Well it was pretty much downhill all the way for women until 2123, at which point men had almost totally died out in Japan and women were so career focused there that 'normal' sex no longer existed and women had sex with robots provided by their employers for use in their ten minute lunch breaks. 2123 was also the year in which men could (finally) have babies and also the year we finally got the sort of equality woman had been looking for but had never found when they were running corporations, looking after kids, faking orgasms and sleeping four hours a night.
Peter: Sounds nuts. I'm just pleased I've only really known the new way.
EmmaK: I know. Thank God. Now be a love, here's my key, pop round to my house, put the hot water bottle in the bed, chill the champers and be prone and ready for me when I get there.
Peter: Yes my love. My wish is your command.
Question: Do you think this scenario will come about - that in the future historians will think that feminism was a good idea badly executed?
I used to think I was mad. I used to think I was shameless. Until I stumbled upon MJ and her Infomaniac blog. While her blog may tickle some people's fancy, you should be warned, some of the images will make your butter curdle and your wives turn into pillars of salt.
Now, MJ is a very private woman but I recently found this photo of her (above). I think the picture speaks for itself. She is very much the kind of lass and who could club a bison to death and bring it home to the cave. If only we were all as talented with a club (sigh). Anyway, she recently put a list of Life Skills 101 up on her blog, the kind of stuff you needed to know if you were to survive in ye olden days. She has seventeen of these skills and I think I have five.
1. Use a bow and arrow 2. Load and fire a musket 3. Duel with pistol 4. Joust 5. Throw a battleax 6. Forge a sword 7. Fight with a rapier and dagger 8. Besiege a castle 9. Defend a castle 10. Make and smoke a peace pipe 11. Make a flint cutting tool 12. Brew mead 13. Make bread 14. Roast chestnuts on an open fire 15. Make hard cheese 16. Make butter 17. Make ice cream 18. Keep bees and harvest honey 19. Tap and make maple syrup 20. Find berries in the wild 21. Can food 22. Archery fish 23. Gut and clean fish 24. Keep chickens 25. Pluck a chicken 26. Roast a wild boar 27. Cook on a range 28. Dig and use a pit oven 29. Make a fire without matches 30. Track animals 31. Forecast the weather 32. Tease, card, & spin wool 33. Make natural dye from plants 34. Weave a chair seat 35. Weave a basket 36. Make soap 37. Make a broom 38. Sweep a chimney 39. Chop down a tree with an ax 40. Carve a totem pole 41. Carve a canoe 42. Make a barrel 43. Thatch a roof 44. Build a wall with wattle and daub 45. Build a dry stone wall 46. Dig a well 47. Plow a field 48. Build a log bridge 49. Build a log cabin 50. Build a pyramid 51. Embalm a body 52. Treat a battle wound 53. Set broken bones 54. Groom a horse 55. Shoe a horse 56. Mount and dismount a horse 57. Make and throw a lasso 58. Milk a cow 59. Hunt deer safely in woodlands 60. Mount a stag’s head 61. Shear a sheep 62. Care for rope 63. Tie a hangman’s noose 64. Read Roman numerals 65. Use an abacus 66. Operate a telegraph machine 67. Send smoke signals 68. Cure people with leeches and maggots 69. Read palms 70. Behave at a medieval banquet 71. Read a coat of arms 72. Address royalty 73. Grow herbs 74. Use herbs in your personal grooming 75. Care for leather boots 76. Wear opera gloves 77. Wear a Roman toga 78. Wash clothes by hand 79. Care for your period wig 80. Play hopscotch 81. Play jacks 82. Use a hoola hoop 83. Play marbles 84. Play real tennis 85. Play stickball 86. Make a pair of shoes 87. Make a hammock 88. Make a quill pen 89. Make papyrus 90. Write a sonnet 91. Write calligraphy 92. Understand opera 93. Make a corn husk doll 94. Make and play a didgeridoo 95. Ride a penny-farthing 96. Make a cave painting 97. Make a Roman mosaic 98. Pan for gold 99. Clean and polish silver 100. Blow glass 101. Make a stained-glass window.
My argument with the divine MJ was that while I can bake bread or even chocolate croissants I'm not sure this list is that useful these days. I mean how many people thatch roofs? Two in the Cotswolds, I should guess. I would say you only need three skills as a lady after, say, a nuclear war:
1. a strong stomach to be able to kill other people and eat them.
2. sexual skills to stimulate the gentlemen so they will do all the stick rubbing and wattling and daubing.
3. The ability to make sexy shoes out of animal carcasses.
I have all three skills so I am sorted. But what about you? What skills from the Life Skills 101 List do you have, and what other skills do you have?
Who am I? Displaced Londoner now living in the States with my two little girlies and long suffering husband. Co-author of hilarious parenting book Cocktails at Naptime www.cocktailsatnaptime.com
My mom's an Austrian, my dad's a Brit, which makes me a Britaustrian, or possibly an Austrish?