Adopt a Mistress This Christmas

Jeffrey Archer - who wears big white pants, apparently

This Christmas I want you to reach deep into your pockets for a valuable cause. Have you ever looked at a tabloid newspaper and seen a woman who has been having an affair with a famous married man and thought, that poor abused girl, she desperately needs my help. How could this man use her like that? And how can the set of Louis Vuitton suitcases or the luxury lifestyle he financed ever make up for having to play second fiddle to his dowdy wife?

I know I have, which is why I've launched this campaign to Adopt a Mistress This Christmas. Some mistresses have been cast aside once they are no longer of use. Some, through no fault of their own, went public about an affair and found themselves dumped. But I especially want you to think about those poor mistresses who, after twenty years of being mistresses finally realized that 'he is never going to leave his wife' and joined a chapter of Mistresses Anonymous to get over it.


You may say, but I was going to adopt an orphaned donkey or an incontinent dog this Christmas. But before you do it, have a heart and adopt a mistress. Times, they are a changing. In the old days, mistresses like Madame de Pompadour, mistress to King Louis XV of France, knew to put up and shut up. Then along came Monica Lewinsky and the stained dress and every talentless nobody was trying to get into bed with a rich man and live the luxury lifestyle.


One of the women I have personally helped is reformed mistress Sarah Symonds, whose most recent shag before she 'saw the light' and 'got out of the game' was Gordon Ramsay. Yes she wrote a book (Having An Affair? A Handbook for the Other Woman) and plugged it on the celebrity circuit. Yes she once slept with Jeffrey Archer of which she writes in vivid detail about his "big white pants" and "pasty skin" and the fact that he liked to have sex – with Symonds – while his wife Mary's "fuddy duddy" nightgown lay neatly folded on the pillow next to them.

But one day she realized that all the nice flats in the world and all the designer thongs and jaunts to St Barts were not going to compensate her for the terrible emptiness she felt inside. Except that actually she quite liked the money side of it thank you very much you could just keep the married bloke.

Her first step towards 'becoming whole again' was to launch a 'Renewal Service' on her blog where she gives a rallying cry to mistresses everywhere:

"Okay Sisters, I can see that the time has universally come to reclaim ourselves from the pain of dating an Married Men!!

I have had so many of you write to me to ask me about my renewal coaching services in these past few weeks, and I really want to get it going properly now, and give you the level of support you need. I am replying to all of your enquiries individually, based on where you are in your situation right now, and more importantly, where you would like to be."

And while Sarah is doing what she can we still need cash. Cold hard dirty cash. Which is why I'm turning to you, dear readers, to send money to the Adopt a Mistress Appeal.

These are women who, for one reason or another were professional mistresses, still have huge apartments to pay rent on and don't want their Brazilian waxes to grow out. They're fucked if they're going to get a job. And as you can imagine, at Christmas times are particularly hard.

They are trying to rehab themselves, but God help them, they still need those little crutches to get them through Christmas.

So give what you can to these Mistresses in dire need.

What will $1000 get the mistress?

1. A chilled box of Beluga Caviar

2. A bottle of Cristal

What will $5,000 get the mistress?:

3. High end hair and grooming products for two months

4. A year's worth of personal training sessions to keep her abs firm and her pelvic floor muscles working at operative capacity

What will $8,000 get the mistress?

5. Will cover the rent on the mistress's penthouse apartment for a month

There are hundreds of ways you can help a mistress this Christmas. So dig deep, dig very deep. And feel a warm glow in your pants this Christmas.

Gingerbread Lady

Let's just put it this way, I have a problem with candy. A few years ago I bought one of those huge Easter baskets for a friend's kid two weeks before Easter and had eaten all the candy without really knowing what I was doing in a kind of candy trance. All that was left in the end was the basket and the cellophane.

So yesterday I'm at my daughter's school participating in one of those 'observe the lessons without nodding off' sort of shenanigans and while I was helping my daughter make a teepee out of felt a woman came up to me. She was flushed and dizzy with excitement as if she'd just had a roll in the hay with Steven Tyler.

She said, "I'm Jenny Jackanapes [not her real name] and I'm organizing the Christmas Bazaar. I'm just so excited about the Christmas Bazaar, aren't you?"

I looked behind me to see if she was talking to someone else but she wasn't.

"Well, it certainly sounds like it will be fun!" I said, trying to look excited.



"It will be!" Jenny said. "And basically I need volunteers to help out and I think you'd be perfect helping the kids make the gingerbread houses."



I was going to say, "Hey lady, I could help you with the houses but I'd probably eat every bit of candy not to mention every chocolate button and scraping of frosting," but instead I said, "Great I'll do it."

My daughter Sausage has a similar problem with candy. Like if if its not glued down she'll eat eat. Actually scratch that. When she was three she came home with a picture of a snowman which had marshmallows glued onto it and two minutes later she'd eaten the marshmallows off the picture.



So here I go. I don't know how Jenny's going to react when I come to volunteer for Gingerbread House duty wearing a Silence of the Lambs mask though.

Have you had any out of control food experiences and what's the one food you have to be physically restrained from devouring?

Beauty Salon Bitches

Which famous female political figure is this porn star, Lisa Ann, playing in a porn movie?

Go on, have a guess.

No its not Hillary.

Alright she's the main role in a film called Nailin Paylin which is being produced by Larry Flynt. Lisa Ann got the gig by answering an ad on craigslist which said: "Looking for a Sarah Palin look-alike for an adult film to be shot in the next 10 days." And for displaying her mooseburger she was only paid the princely sum of $3,000. Before she could say "Drill for Oil!" she was locked in a passionate threesome with...ugh...porno-look-a-likes for Hillary Clinton and Condoleezza Rice.



Lisa Ann is a very passionate political person and of her critics she says,

“Those same people who aren’t going to appreciate this movie, though, are probably not going to appreciate ‘Dirty Over 30′ or any of my other titles.

“But it’s fun to do something so edgy and put it out there.

“I love working for Larry Flynt on this, too. Remember, what politics in general, and what people have done to Larry in the past … Larry has gone through so much to protect our freedom of speech.

“I wouldn’t do this for anybody but Larry Flynt. I told my friends, ‘If I go to jail over this, Larry’s getting me out.”

Don't count on it Lisa!

For some people, there's no higher honor than earning an adult entertainment counterpart parody. But I'm not sure Palin is that chuffed.

Some people have critiqued the movie because it depicts Sarah Palin as a brainless sex object to which I say....er...

Now, if Flynt were going to make a porn film of my life it would be called:

Beauty Salon Bitches

Takes place in a nail salon. Opening scene, Emma K walks in wearing a mini skirt and thigh high white PVC boots. She looks around at the sexy Korean nail artistes who are in bikinis and white stilletos.

Emma K "I want some new nails done. I want them long and I want them hard."

Nail artiste 1 "We want to please you Miss K. We are all here to please you any way we can."

Emma K "Good, good..."

Nail artiste 2 "It is very hot in here Miss K, do you mind if I take my bikini off? My friend here is just going to give me a bikini wax?"

Emma K "Oh that sounds so hot....a wax....can I watch? Wait, I'm so hot, I'm going to take my boots off ..."

to be continued....

So my questions to you are:
1. Which regular or porn actress or actor would play you in a porno?
2. What's the premise or opening scene?
3. Would you play yourself or play with yourself on film for a palty $3,000 dollars?


The actresses I have most been compared to are Kelly MacDonald and Meryl Streep and since I am pretty sure neither is so hard up they need to perform in Beauty Salon Bitches I guess I'd play myself. If any of you do find my porno-look-a-like do let me know. I don't have time to do extensive research on this topic but if you do find someone who looks like me I'd love to take a peek!

Obamaconfusion

While most of you enjoyed the massive Obamagasm that throbbed through the world last Tuesday and are now basking in the afterglow smoking a post-coital cigarette, we parents are left sitting on politically correct minefields that are just waiting to go off.

Just yesterday I had to weather this conversation:

Scarlett (7): "Mom, did you know that Obama is the first Native-American in the White House?"

Me: "No, he's not a Native-American, he's an African-American. Native-Americans are those people who ..." were brutally massacred and stripped of their land by whites...no, can't say that .... live in reservations and have alcohol problems ...no... "have feathers in their hair and live in wigwams."

Scarlett: "Mom, you don't know what you're talking about. What's a wigwam?"

Me: "No, hang on, I don't think they call them wigwams anymore. I think they're now called teepees."

Sausage (5): "Mom, we saw a picture of Obama at school today. Is he a brown man?"

Me: "Well, actually he's black."

Sausage: "But he's brown!"

Me: (Trying to change subject) "Did you think he was handsome?"

Sausage: "No. But mommy, he's not black, he's brown."

Me: "Look, I know he doesn't look black but he is black, okay? Sometimes people can look pretty white but are actually black."

Sausage: "Like Michael Jackson?"

Me: "Exactly!"

I Wanna Make You Felt Good

Like you, I have battled with my weight. I'd tried all the usual avenues, like sanitized tapeworms which left me thin, yes, but with the side effects of anaemia and scabs all over my body.


I also wore the revolutionary French weight loss underpants for ten years. The granny pants, which covered me from waist to knee, eliminated toxins and cellulite so that in very little time I had dropped pounds. Unfortunately, the wearing of these knickers also hastened the loss of my first husband Gunther's libido. Indeed, Gunther left me for a fat woman who wore thongs (go figure) and I am now on hubby number two and thankful to say that YES! I have now found an eating plan that works without side effects like anal leakage that make most diet pills well, so messy. My plan is called The Felt Good Diet and this diet means I can eat what I like whenever I like. And for only $456.99 plus shipping and handling I will send you this revolutionary diet book, but first, let me give you the highlights!

Basically, in a nutshell, I eat a lot of fibre on this diet.

"Roughly speaking," says my chum Dr Jibberwooky of the University of Lilliput, "the more fibre, protein and water a food contains, the longer it will satisfy you - so the higher the SI, the better. We call it SI to confuse people but its basically a Satiety Index (see below). The index ranks foods according to their ability to a) satisfy your hunger, while b) keeping your appetite at bay. White bread (with a Satiety Index [SI] of 100) is the standard against which all other foods are compared. Satiety or satisfaction describes how long a particular food will keep you going before you feel hungry."

Croissant 47
Cake 65
Doughnut 68
White Bread 100
Cornflakes 118
Jelly beans 118
Wholegrain bread 154
Porridge 209
White fish 225
Potatoes 323
Wool 412
Clay 554
Felt 633

"High fibre foods are best because fibre expands in the gut, acting like a sponge, absorbing and holding on to water as it passes through the body, helping you feel full. In general, fruit and vegetables, wholegrain foods, legumes and nuts are excellent. Fibre also increases your chewing time, which gives your body time to register that you're feeling fuller - so you will stop eating sooner," says Dr Jaberwooky.

And by quickly perusing this table I think the results speak for themselves. What could have more fibre in it than felt? Yeah, I said felt. Another food that has a lot of fibre in it is clay. And don't get me started on wool. All are good, healthy and delicious foods that will make you lose weight in a flash.

Eat Whatever You Like Whenever You Like


Can you imagine sinking your teeth into this juicy felt burger?


Or what about sucking on this chicken leg? It's finger licking good.


These muffins with satiate your sweet craving, even though they're made of clay!


Have knitted toast, any time of the day or night.

Don't delay, send off for my book today and soon you'll be looking and feeling great like me:



What are you waiting for! Order The Felt Good Diet plan today!

Remember You're A Womble

I've been tagged by Scottish sex god Inchy to do this meme and because he once posted some pics of himself in kinky boots as a special favor to me, I will. He asks, name your most embarrassing record/cd/track ever?

To which my only reply is, where do I start and where do I end? I have very corny tastes in music indeed. I like pop music with a good tune, and I'm not ashamed to say I love Abba in a non-ironic way.

Now, I don't have an iPod and wouldn't know what to do with one, or more likely would drop it down the toilet by accident. I will always be loyal to vinyl and think CDs are an aesthetic abomination, thus I only have maybe ten. And all the albums and singles I own are currently stored in my husband's parents garage in Ireland, so its safe to say I don't actually listen to anything I once had. There is a ray of hope though for Luddites like me who do not want to get into bed with the iPod. I believe some record companies have actually started producing vinyl again so I live in hope that record players will make a comeback too.



But casting my mind back, some people might say that the most embarrassing record I have is a Wombles album, but I still maintain that they were kind of cool. I saw the Wombles live when I was five and went crazy for them. They were years ahead of their times: furry eco-freaks who collected rubbish on Wimbledon Common for reasons best known to themselves. So maybe that album isn't the most embarrassing.



A strong contender is a single I bought, Save All Your Kisses For Me by The Brotherhood of Man, which is a love song to a three year old. Tragically, this still makes me tear up when I hear it because I remember vividly how I was always singing it when I was five. But I suppose you could say it is atrocious, especially the guys' outfits.

Other than that, I guess the worst song I have is one on the compilation album Now that's What I call Music, No. 1 from 1983, Will Powers' Kissing With Confidence which sounds like a bunch of caterwauling cats:



The terrible lyrics include:

You may also find yourself worrying about what will happen once you are in the act of kissing. Will your stomach growl? Will your braces lock? Will you be able to prolong the kiss and still breathe?

Will I spoil it with my overbite?
Will our noses bump in the moonlight?
When our lips meet, will they fit right?

I have to be honest, I have never worried about kissing anyone for the first time. I suppose, that is because I was usually mildy inebriated.

I now tag Clyde, Scarlet Blue, Electro-Kev, fingers and VE.