Thursday, July 31, 2008

A Cheesy Romance


Emma K, international superstar, age 37


George M, international superstar, age 42

Here we go again. In an attempt to get away from it all, hubby whisks me off on a romantic night in DC. First he presents me with the gift of cheese. What is it about cheese that sets my loins aflame? Once again he had found his mark. And this was no ordinary cheese. No common or garden piece of Gouda. No rubbery cheddar or Dairylea square. Oh no. This cheese was art. One piece was studded with dried apricots, another had been rolled in rosemary. I savored every bite, then guzzled down as much as my stomach could hold without exploding and glugged down the Moet. Next we performed the activities that are required by law to be performed amongst married persons who find themselves naked, covered in champagne and in a bed and breakfast. Once the saucy part of the evening had been completed it was on to the concert.

I was to see George. My husband, who is 29, has no real knowledge of who George Michael is and how Careless Whisper is a milestone of sorts, the song that most of us thirty somethings did our first slow dance too. And so I found myself at this concert: 20,000 middle aged women in tight spandex screaming for George. And since I’d had a few glasses of champers I found myself screaming myself hoarse for George too. It was time to let go. It was time to say, I am an embarrassing old crone and this is where I can dance like a spaz and let it all hang out.

All I can say is that it was heaven. I was so close to the stage I could see into George’s eyes, into his very soul. I believe his sweat splattered me and I don’t think I will ever wash again. Although, I have to say, he doesn’t look too good for 42. All wrinkled like an old prune. Is this simply the way stars look who haven’t had ‘work’ done? Or is he suffering from some mysterious illness? I think we deserve to be told.

After the concert, things got a bit less romantic. When we got into bed, while I was still humming Georgie’s hits under my breath, I could immediately see there was a problem. There was a feather duvet under the sheet which just made me feel like I was suffocating. My husband fell asleep after about five minutes. I lay there for about five hours and then decided to take two cushions off the sofa, place them on the floor and sleep on those. Suffice to say, that wasn’t very successful either. I slept for about two hours before waking up in a really shit mood.

And then things got a bit less romantic still, when I insisted on wrapping all the left over cheese in cellophane and lugging it home. Yes, I had become my mother. There was no way I was leaving stuff at the hotel that I had paid for.

So when I got home I was carrying a reeking and sweltering bag of cheese.

Had it gone off?

It certainly smelt like it had.

Did I eat it?

Do you really need to ask?

Ever had a dirty weekend that ended with a whimper not a bang, and left you with the smell of cheese on your hands?

35 comments:

Molly said...

How can you scream for George knowing that he is picturing all you ladies as naked men?! I saw him on Eli Stone and I thought he looked a bit odd - in fact, I thought he looked like he had had work done and it wasn't done terribly well.

But at least you got to go out for the night, have some naughties and see George, even though you couldn't sleep. Better than a night at home with the kids!

Karen ^..^ said...

Oh, how I adore your blogs!! It's art, the way you can string a perfect sentence together, a perfect story, and infuse it with non-cheesy (pun unintended, but kind of appropriate here) sparkling humor!

You are amazing. Great picture. And I'm glad you said it. LOL, I'm 42, don't have millions, and look way better than ole Georgie for the age! Not trying to be conceited, just an observation...

Gorilla Bananas said...

Good old George! If only you'd had a willy to show him, Emma: you might then have got to see his. Perhaps you should have offered him the cheese, he might have let you feed it to him by hand.

Steve said...

Lots of cheesy weekends. Lots of banging weekends. A few whimpering weekends. But never all three at once. It sounds like a rite of passage.

Mars said...

you still got to see george...

garfer said...

I wish the dames round my parts could be seduced with cheese.

Demanding harpies the lot of them.

If I got a goat called Mabel and was seen hauling on her teats d'you think the girlies would see me as a sex god?

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Frankly my dear any self respecting spaz has too much co-ordination to dance like you ;)
But hell yeah I'd have taken the cheese home-rosemary covered you say...drool! BG

SPARSELY KATE said...

Hahah, I loved this post. George is only 42? I had him pegged for older too!

I also did the Careless Whispers dance at the school disco with my little boyfriends. Classic.

I'm glad you got away - smelly cheese n' all. :)

Orhan Kahn said...

Oh, my.

Clyde said...

Ok, I'm right there with the champers and cheese, but add in strawberries and we are humming.
Cheese with apricot, cheese with walnuts, cheese with pepper---a litle havarti, some blue streaked camabert----and of course you have to keep the leftovers.
Geez, you should come and play in Australia---great wines, great cheeses, top strawberries, and who really needs a bed
But then you went to see a dick slurping, public toilet visiting crooner and you expected hubby to get a stiring in the loins--well, ok, I couldnt have resisted and your in a paid for bed, so what, no morning glory shagging---girl, you are losing it

moi said...

George Michael occupies position of 5th Husband in Moi's Alternative Universe in Which Hot Gay Men Love Meeeeeee, Only Me (and go with on shoe shopping excursions). But that would be G.M. circa "Faith" and not circa today. All that money and he couldn't a' had better work done?

Helen said...

I laughed my ass off at this post, and of course, have Careless Whisper playing in another window.

I've had YEARS that end with a whimper not a bang, and yes, the smell of cheese still lingers in my luggage (metaphorical luggage at that).

xl said...

My initial concern was that cheese knife.

gilbert the alien said...

If you'd have tripped over him on Clapham Common and bore a passing resemblance to Bernard Manning, you might have found out why he now looks like an over 70's porn star.

molesworth 1 said...

nigel molesworth esq. 42yo international bus-driver says...

George looks like that 'cos he's a 42yo gay stoner. I'm a straight stoner, and, as such, I don't moisturise, or re-hydrate properly. Consequently I look just as bad as he does.

Tangentially, I'm taking mrs. molesworth to London for a long w'end in a fortnight or so, any tips for hotel-room romantic gestures e.g. rose-petals all over bed, champagne on-ice etc. etc. Which ones work? Please don't say expensive jewellery under pillow...

EmmaK said...

molly....oh I think at one point he sipped from the furry cup. I don't think he's totally anti-vagina. I just screamed because everyone was screaming....it was good to feel about 14 again

Karen ^..^...
I have a feeling he may have OD'd on poppers and other harder substances

Gorilla Bananas...
I really don't think I would have wanted to see his willy. But I wouldn't have minded flying in his private plane!


Steve...
You're still young, plenty of time for cheesy gang bangs

Mars...
he was so totally amazing, a really down to earth guy...

garfer...
You have to offer champagne and a rock god along with the cheese

BenefitScroungingScum...
I know, how could I have left all that lovely cheese?

SPARSELY KATE...
OOOH....guilty feet have got no rhythm....

Orhan Kahn...
you would have loved it

Clyde...
Cheese with apricot, cheese with walnuts, cheese with pepper---a litle havarti, some blue streaked camabert
you are quite the epicurean aren't you....and there was me thinking most aussies are like that Crocodile Dundee bloke lol The joke in England is always: Q: What's an Australian's idea of foreplay? A: Brace yourself Sheila!

I think the mistake I made was not getting drunk, then I would have been able to sleep in the uncomfortable bed!

moi...
I think he would be FAB to shop with. And to have cocktails with at Harvey Nichols.

Helen...
I've had YEARS that end with a whimper not a bang
I hope you have a new boyfriend now!

xl...
My initial concern was that cheese knife.
True, it would be good for a Bobbitt job at a push ;)

gilbert the alien...
I don't care how wrinkly he is he's still my No 1 guy!

molesworth 1..
any tips for hotel-room romantic gestures e.g. rose-petals all over bed, champagne on-ice etc. etc.

licking champagne out of a ladies bits for several hours, plus teasing her with ice cubes is pretty good. Follow with lashings of Belgian chocolates

spew-it-all said...

Nice title! cheesily dirty weekend combined with the Old George is something middle age women should try.

Did you take some bottled shampoo home as well? It could balance the smell out, i suppose.

Helga Hansen said...

It's no small wonder George looks terrible for 42... he's 45! Does this mean one travels rapidly downhill once one hits 40???

EmmaK said...

spew it all...yes of course I stole all the shampoo bottles and it did take the pong of cheese away a bit

helga hanson...well he looks bad for 45 too!

Mr Farty said...

Brilliant post!

All the best comments have been used up, sigh.

Misssy M said...

Okay you asked for it. I will now turn a selection of Wham/George Michael hits into cheese related puns:

Caerphilly Whisper

A Different Cracker (Barrel?)

Cheeses to a Child

Edam (C'mon, sung to the tune of Freedom!)

I Knew you were waiting for Brie.

Joie said...

You had me at cheese and flaming loins. You are a total crack up.

Tres jealous of the GM gig, not so much the post gig cheese lugging. Although I have to admit to plenty of dirty weekends ending with pungent cheesy smells. Eek.

Trixie said...

Every bloody dirty weekend, but it was normally the guy smell cheese on me!

electro-kevin said...

Ha ha !

Funny post.

No - I wouldn't be so chav-like as to smuggle cheese out of a hotel in my handbag.

I guess there's a time and a place for George Michael and it's such a pity he seems to think it's in a public toilet.

No wonder he has such a haggard complexion. Didn't anyone tell him that the rumour about chugging on cock being good for the skin was a lie ?

fingers said...

OMG, a feather duvet !!!
What a total romance-killer, even worse than the time some utter bastard put a pea under my mattress and sabotaged my date.
Then again, my date was a bit of a princess...

Karen ^..^ said...

LOL, harder substances... *mind wanders... And quickly snaps back*

having my cake said...

la-lah-la-la-la lah-la-la doo-do-do-do-dah-dah-dah-dah
Ah, the saxophone in Careless Whisper.

I hate cheese and Im older than George. Hohum! Love a nice glass of Moet tho :)

Shelley said...

Lady,

Your blogs ROCK!!!! This is my first visit and I absolutely almost peed my panties. I, too, have a thing for Mr. Micheal. But, it could never be.
Right on for the B&B and bumping uglies though. Good form.

Clyde said...

Foreplay ?
Just eat the cheese, I'll be finished in a minute.

EmmaK said...

misssy m....I worship you! you crack me up so bad.

I thought of the lyrics for Edam:

Heaven knows I was just a young boy
Didn't know what I wanted for tea
I was every little hungry schoolgirl's bread and butter
And I guess it was enough for me
To win the race? A prettier face!
Brand new clothes and a big fat Edam
With some Branston on the side...

no, this is gold!!!

clyde...I like it, you are good at DIY! Will you put up some shelves for me?

electro-kevin...I guess when you've spent so much time in five star luxury like george has then a public toilet becomes oddly alluring?

joie....my flaming loins turned the cheese to a fondue!

EmmaK said...

fingers....you're lucky your princess only put a pea in your bed rather than a horse's head like in the Godfather.

andrea said...

Wait... George M can't be just 42... I mean, he's got to be similar in age to the boys from Duran Duran (I was quite a fanatic.) Surely... he must be lying about his age unless he was 19 when Wham! hit it big. I figure he was born, at the latest, in 1961 which would make him 47...I was 14 back in 1985, which would have made him 24. That seems better.

andrea said...

Ok, it seems he was born in 1963... so he's 45. Still, I'm impressed he was only 21 when "Wake me up" came out way-back-when.

The Freelance Guru said...

George looks a bit wrinkled huh? It's probably that Gay diesease. You know the one. Wrinkleitis or whatever it's called.
Or, and here's a novel idea, maybe being under all the celebrity stress his been under for so many year, can take a toll on a man's appearance.

Midnight said...

Now that really bought back memories of the erection section at night clubs back in the 80s. Tunes like Careless Whisper and Zoom by Fat Larrys band. Loads of fat dudes wandering around the dance floor like caged tigers pouncing on any woman that looked single and desperate. Those were the days!