Actually, make that Moscow. And, well, not rotten exactly, more burnt. A penis, to be precise.
As I read the news today about a Russian lady who in a craving for smoked sausage, set fire to her ex-hubbie's penis, I now pose the question: Is there something deeply rotten in the state of marriage today?
What happened was, that after divorcing her husband, this woman was forced to cohabit with him for three years in a cramped apartment, due to the current housing shortage in Moscow. Now, in her defence, she said she was fed up to the back teeth with him watching pornography and having affairs (although since he was her ex, surely what he did with his penis was his own business?)
The straw that broke the camel's back came in the shape of a bottle of vodka. When, after sustaining a fractured foot in a car accident, he asked her to bring home a bottle of vodka, she did so. He drank the vodka in front of the TV and fell asleep. While he was asleep she got the urge to 'torch his whole body', but when she tried to do so, alas, the alcohol evaporated too quickly and her fantasy of turning him into a burning totem pole came to naught!
Not to be discouraged, she persevered, made a torch out of a newspaper, splashed his groin with alcohol and lit it.
Her ex sustained first-degree burns to his lower abdomen and was hospitalized for several days with his sex organs taking the heaviest blow. The woman could face assault charges.
Yes, I am a sympathetic person, and yes I can understand how, because of the housing shortage in Moscow, you might see red when your stinking old fart of an ex asks you to go and get him some vodka. But is that any reason to set fire to his penis?
This tale of love gone sour was brought to me by my darling
Gorilla Bananas, who comments that:
"Any gorilla can see that the root cause of the marital malaise is disappointed expectations. A wife wants her husband to be her knight in shining armour, utterly devoted to her happiness, utterly immune to temptation. The problem is not that no men are capable of this. Quite a few are, as a matter of fact, which leaves women stuck with a typical Joe Jockstrap (or worse) feeling terribly let down.
It would surely be much easier for women if all men truly were selfish pigs who neglected their spouses and exploited every opportunity to chase available skirt. At least they’d know what to expect and could evaluate their suitors purely as breeding stock. The worst feeling for a housewife is the knowledge that she‘s lumbered with a lemon which she can’t return to the store."
I have had a go at poking a pointy stick at modern marriage myself and you can find my efforts here in a piece called Romantic Illusions. So do come on over and give me a piece of your mind. If I don't agree with your point of view, I promise I won't torch your penis or anything else.
Meet Kristine Moody, director of Team Magnus
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