Sunday, May 27, 2007

The E-Spot: Too Tense To Tango

The E-Spot is a column in which I point out the fact that every cloud has a silver lining. Today I give hope to a lady with one or two sexual hang ups.



Dear Emma,

I am a twenty-two year old girl who needs your advice. I am pretty outgoing generally, but when it comes to sex and having to take my clothes off in front of a man, I get incredibly self conscious about my curvy shape. Some men tell me they like it, but I simply don't believe them. Usually, I try and have sex with the lights out.

I am also kind of tense and nervous in bed and don't ever relax enough to have an orgasm. Also, I have not had that much sexual experience and have never given a blow job. I feel like I want to do it, but am scared about doing it in case I don't do it right. For example, I have heard that you do not actually blow into the penis. Am I correct?

Also, when I get out of bed naked I always back away from the bed, because I'm too scared that, should he see it, the guy would laugh at my large behind. Is this normal?

I feel like there is a hot, horny sex goddess buried inside me who is just dying to get out. But I just feel like I'm never going to get over these anxieties to let her out.

Can you help?

Too Tense To Tango


Dear Too Tense To Tango,

This is a very common problem, not only amongst young girls like yourself, but also among older women, who believe that their figures do not correspond to some air brushed Hollywood ideal.

Now I'm not going to tell you that the way you look doesn't matter, but working out at a gym won't necessarily give you more confidence, and often makes women and men more critical about their bodies. The key to being a success in the sack is simple: confidence. I bet you are wondering how to get it, aren't you? But what if I told you that you can get this confidence very easily, and that anyone can get it? More on this in a moment.

Now, regarding going down on a man. I'm not going to give you a blow by blow account of how to give a blow job. I will tell you that you don't blow, but that aside, once you become more relaxed, you will find that you will instinctively know what to do. And believe me, you will no longer feel inhibited about your large butt either!

So, I can tell you're gagging to know, what is this secret to confidence in the sack? Hold your horses dear, I'm getting to it. Don't worry, I'm not going to give you a load of old hokey about tantric breathing and finding your inner chakra. If being nervy in bed could be cured by deep breathing and a few hours of doing yoga, the pharmaceutical industry would be out of business, and think what kind of a dent that would make in the US economy!

This is all you have to do. Yes, it's this simple. It's under $20 and it's available in your neighborhood.



Do let me know how you get on!

Best,
Emma


To all of you out there in distress. Don't suffer in silence. I am here to shoulder your problems! Lay them on me! Please send them to emma.theespot@[remove]gmail.com

9 comments:

Dirty Filthy Princess said...

Please tell me this is a joke, that somebody didn't really honestly email you with that question. Every honest question deserves an honest answer.

But if it was a joke, very funny! I love the tequilla vid.

Tickersoid said...

last year, I dated a size 0 lady who had big issues with both sex and nudity. These were all cured by Stella Artoise. Unfortunately, this ment she was primed and ready at 3am, not the best guy time, whilst I was pretty well wasted. I'm 53yo for Gods sake. In the morning the tension would be back. She'd dress before I woke up. In spite of this we still managed to enjoy ourselves. Just not optimally.

Tom Paine said...

That's a very funny video. Thanks for sharing it.

missy said...

I think I saw this in your other blog. Good one.

I need tequila now.

Pomgirl said...

I've watched that clip twice now - love it!

rilly super said...

emma darling, you are truly the clare rayner of the interweb. I feel it only proper that some free samples of your recommended solution be offered to readers. I shall email my shipping address. a couple of cases should to it to test for efficacy.

Misssy M said...

Oh...tell me about it.

EmmaK said...

dirty filthy princess...yes, that letter was made up!

tickersoid...good point, Stella can be swapped for Tequila at a pinch, but does not make you lose your inhibitions in quite the same way.

tom paine...glad you liked it.

missy...I'm glad you're taking my advice. Just remember...things happen with tequila!

pomgirl....yeah, it's a very funny video. Side effects may include: drunk dialling ex lovers and telling your friends how much you love them. Very true.

rilly super....yes indeed, samples of this magical potion should be available to my readers. I will contact a tequila company about this. Is Clare Rayner still alive?

misssy m...I've had some good times on tequila. Some of them are times I don't actully remember, of course, but I think they were good times!

spymum said...

Tequila! Thats where I've been going wrong!

(Grabs handbag and keys and dashes off to the nearest off-licence. Returns with super-sized bottle of tequila. Phones husband and fruitlessly tries to persuade him to come home early!)