Forget your Rabbits, your Dolphins, your double trunked Elephants and all your other penetrative vibrators, there's a new kid on the block and he's called The Cone. The beauty of the device, apart from its ability to give superquick orgasms, is that if it falls out of your bag in the supermarket, it does not immediately give you away as a sexually desperate housewife, because it is cleverly disguised as a stylish foot massager.
Since its launch, mass hysteria has gripped women (and men) the world over. After hearing these incredible testimonials (below), desire to get their hands on this handy little device exploded.
"It took my from 0 - Orgasm in 60 seconds."
"Ladies, don't keep The Cone to yourself - try using this on your man as well - mine has never quite been the same since last night! He loved it!"
"It feels just like someone's between your legs."
"I've only owned The Cone three days and I think I'm addicted already!"
But while everyone wanted The Cone rubbing against their privates, few knew that you had to purchase the objects from licensed sex shops. Very risky behaviour ensured, with people grabbing cone shaped objects and attempting stimulation. Casualties soon littered the streets, as conemaniacs indulged in risky and foolish behavior, in search of the ultimate quickie orgasm.
A father of four (never to be five) in Intercourse, PA, inserted his member into a Waffle Cone Wizard, with disastrous results!
A man who simulated sex with a traffic cone in an Edinburgh street has escaped with a warning after appearing in court.
A woman in Little Sodbury, Avon, caused a six mile tailback when she stood in the middle of the road, dressed in a traffic cone, grunting and groaning, in a fruitless attempt to achieve satisfaction.
Even innocent toys have been lured into the mass hysteria surrounding this product, with news that a Mr Potato Head from Sac City, IA, inserted a cone in an anatomically incorrect position, with near fatal results.
The casualties of this cone epidemic are manifold. We all want to go from 0 - Orgasm in sixty seconds. But be careful. And so I urge you all to go to The Cone website, and to study their diagrams (below), before any of you damage yourselves with wanton misuse of cone shaped objects the world over.