Friday, May 18, 2007

Conemania Sweeps the Globe

Forget your Rabbits, your Dolphins, your double trunked Elephants and all your other penetrative vibrators, there's a new kid on the block and he's called The Cone. The beauty of the device, apart from its ability to give superquick orgasms, is that if it falls out of your bag in the supermarket, it does not immediately give you away as a sexually desperate housewife, because it is cleverly disguised as a stylish foot massager.


Since its launch, mass hysteria has gripped women (and men) the world over. After hearing these incredible testimonials (below), desire to get their hands on this handy little device exploded.

"It took my from 0 - Orgasm in 60 seconds."

"Ladies, don't keep The Cone to yourself - try using this on your man as well - mine has never quite been the same since last night! He loved it!"

"It feels just like someone's between your legs."

"I've only owned The Cone three days and I think I'm addicted already!"

But while everyone wanted The Cone rubbing against their privates, few knew that you had to purchase the objects from licensed sex shops. Very risky behaviour ensured, with people grabbing cone shaped objects and attempting stimulation. Casualties soon littered the streets, as conemaniacs indulged in risky and foolish behavior, in search of the ultimate quickie orgasm.


A father of four (never to be five) in Intercourse, PA, inserted his member into a Waffle Cone Wizard, with disastrous results!


A man who simulated sex with a traffic cone in an Edinburgh street has escaped with a warning after appearing in court.


A woman in Little Sodbury, Avon, caused a six mile tailback when she stood in the middle of the road, dressed in a traffic cone, grunting and groaning, in a fruitless attempt to achieve satisfaction.


Even innocent toys have been lured into the mass hysteria surrounding this product, with news that a Mr Potato Head from Sac City, IA, inserted a cone in an anatomically incorrect position, with near fatal results.

The casualties of this cone epidemic are manifold. We all want to go from 0 - Orgasm in sixty seconds. But be careful. And so I urge you all to go to The Cone website, and to study their diagrams (below), before any of you damage yourselves with wanton misuse of cone shaped objects the world over.

27 comments:

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

Cone-gratulations...

GB said...

Hi EmmaK, I haven't voted in your hairy leg poll because I can't properly express my preference with the options you've defined. For me, it depends where the hair is. When I'm feeling hair-centric, then I want a guy with a tiny bit on his chest, none on his back of course, but forests on his legs :-). Really hairy, strong masculine legs, PHWOOOR, such a turn-on don't u think (assuming that what's at the junction isn't a disappointment)!

GB xxx

lady macleod said...

LOL Do you think I can get one mailed to Morocco? I think it best if we mis-label it...

Kira said...

I will never think of mr. potato head the same way when I see kids play with it.... or traffic cones, for that matter! :)

-eve- said...

Thought it was a practical joke, but since the link seems to be blocked for reasons of 'pornography' (I'm accessing it from uni), I guess there really IS such a thing...! The cone....??!! Strange...:-D

Tickersoid said...

Motorway restrictions will never be the same again.

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Nahhhh, My thumper is still number one!

Dirty Filthy Princess said...

hilarious!!

Angela-la-la said...

Fifty quid?! I wonder if a dairylea triangle would work instead?

EmmaK said...

janet...I haven't tried it yet but it sounds tempting.

gb...I have never really been into hairy men. I did sleep with one guy who had a very hairy chest and I started rubbing it vigorously and he said, "Can you please stop doing that, you're generating static electricity." He didn't have much of a sense of humor...

I can understand how hairy legs can look good but I'm always attracted to men with no more than a scattering of hair on their chests.

lady macleod...I'm sure you can get one sent to morocoo. Do let me know how you get on.

kira.....hey, Mr Potato Heads have sexual urges too ;)

eve...apparently it is the best vibrator ever...although it looks like a practical joke, admittedly.

tickersoid...I'd love to get a man to try this out. Are you game? I'm not sure what a man does with it, I guess you might experience your first anal orgasm :)

vi...I never tried the Rabbit, you swear it's the business?

dirty filthy princess....I do try and help people avoid unnecessary genital accidents. Just my way of giving back to the community ;)

angela...it might. Might give that a whirl later....

Freddy said...

It certainly seems to get good reviews and I'm tempted to treat us to one, but it just looks...........wrong!

Besides, we've got the clone of me to play with

Midnight said...

Girls and their toys eh!

Little Miss Manuel said...

Tut tut tut. One doesn't need a cone when one has a Manuel. Naughty lady

la fille mariƩe said...

Damn -- I seem to be in the minority (always am, I think) in your body hair poll. Give me a gorilla any time... and then stick a cone in him. Mmmm.

Kav said...

Angela - thirty three quid on eBay. Look for the seller
"sexaliciouspartyplan".

Not that I'd know anything about this sort of thing...

rilly super said...

In some parts, as you know emma, an ice cream cone is known as a poke, so it would seem that some people have been improvising these things for some time already. If I buy one and am not satisfied with it at least I'll be able to sell it to kav on ebay.

EmmaK said...

freddy/angela/kav/rilly super...I suggest you lot do a Cone share. Just rinse it well before you send it on to the next person. Or get together and cone eachother. I'd love to hear how you get on ;) although I have to say kav is that 33 quid for a cone on ebay new or used????

la fille mariee...gorillas inserted with cones...you kinky girl, you!

little miss manuel....Yes, you are the lucky one. What can I say, one can't buy a diminutive Spaniard on ebay, so the rest of us have to make do with purchasing The Cone and see if it really is as good as the hype (I fear not!!)

midnight...well, The Cone is cheaper than boy's toys, Ferraris and plasma screens and the like, I suppose. Although there's something so wierd about The Cone that I don't think I'm going to get one...it looks like a prawn cocktail flavored Skip, not that erotic.

Freddy said...

angela, kav, rilly - pop over and we'll sort this out - rilly's quite close to me so maybe we should set the cone buzzing?

Just a toy said...

With all this competition, it's a good thing I got out of the business.

Manuel said...

diminutive Spaniard my arse! I'm an all Irish man with certain Continental ways!

rilly super said...

perhaps I have ben dwelling on this for too long emma, but of these cones are the perfect design for their purpose, why aren't men that shape?

Kav said...

Emma, they're second hand, but they've been washed with Domestos, so they should be fine.

Gak. Of course they're new!

EmmaK said...

freddy...you buy one and get the ball rolling. See what S thinks!

just a toy....frankly I can't imagine any toy being as good as a guy's tongue.

manuel...all right! all right! Hold your horses. How am I to know what you look like if you won't post that nude photo of you I have requested, smeared in olive oil and ketchup?

rilly super...from what I can make out from the reviews, The Cone mainly replicates oral sex but with an added vibration effect, thus getting you from 0 - orgasm in 60 seconds (my arse!)

kav...apologies, I am from the older generation, and all this new fangled technology like ebay is beyond us. I thought it was an electronic store whereby younguns sold their second hand goods. Thanks for enlightening me.

Kav said...

You should try it Emma - very addictive. Almost anything you need at the click of a mouse.

Ice said...

LOL even the silhouette chick in the 'uses' has heals on!

GEEZUS... I'm all for heals, in bed too... its just so funny that it really is so stereo-typical for bitches in heals!

;) cute, Emma.

(Going to go order!)

dallas said...

I'm so glad that you posted about this! I work at Babeland (www.babeland.com) and we sell the Cone in our stores and on our website and it's getting a lot of great reviews. I also really like it because people don't always know what it is and that's really fun!

spymum said...

Drat it all - I've just done a post on 'bedroom accessories' which I thought I had researched properly but I have never even heard of the Cone! Grumble grumble!! Why didn't I read this before?! Why am I so backward?!

(And where do you get these cones! Oooh - I'm being really saucy today!! It'll soon pass!)