People keep telling you shit about having kids. Like, those first few years are so precious and they fly by so fast. Treasure them.
Huh? Treasure years of Sausage and Scarlett squabbling in the back seat. Sample conversation:
"You're a smelly poo poo."
"That's my My Little Pony because it has orange hair."
"No it's not. It's mine. Give it to me. You're a baaaabbbbbyyyyy!"
"Mummy why aren't there just two traffic lights, green and red. What's the yellow one for?"
"The yellow one is for wait for the green or red."
"But people shouldn't have to wait, that's silly."
"I didn't invent them."
"Mummy, Scarlett took my pony."
"Mummy, Sausage just farted. Yuck!"
"Mummy do you want to play I Spy With My Little Eye?"
"No I pissing well don't."
The other myths are, it get's easier as it goes along. The only part that was easy was the first year when they more or sat there looking cute and you could just coo at them and feed them. That part was pretty much a walk in the park. But as for the rest, stressful only touches the tip of the iceberg. Still, I think the experience has changed me. I just do not care anymore if I go into the bathroom and Sausage has painted her face in my eyeliner or drenched herself in $30 worth of Lancome foundation. I thought the kids had just worn me down and I simply didn't care about anything anymore.
And then something happened today. At last I am reaping the fruits of six years of mindblowingly boring conversations and 65,000 hours logged at the playground pushing a swing. Yes, suddenly I am proud of being a parent. Usually I bitch and moan about the fact that having kids restricts your freedom to nothing. But not today.
I had a parent-teacher conference about five year old Scarlett and at last, there were the feelings. The feelings of wow, I am so proud of this kid, I am going to die of happiness when I walk out of here.
Teacher: Well, Scarlett is a delight to have in the class. She always takes turns and shares and takes the initiative in reading, math and she's simply brilliant at art. She is quite honestly, amazing.
Me: (thinks) Well, of course she's amazing, she's got half my genes hasn't she?
Teacher: At the beginning of the year Scarlett could not understand phonics at all, and now she is acing it, she is at the head of the class.
Me: (being pretentious and trying to patronize teacher) Well, I think it may have taken her a while to grasp that, because of course she is learning German, where the pronunciation is more well, phonetic, than in the English language.
Teacher: Oh, I know, I have a degree in German.
Me: Oh fuck I didn't realize that. (No of course I didn't say that).
Anyway, I'm not much of a one to be postitive, but I literally died and went to heaven after that conference.
At last I am experiencing that sense of satisfaction that everyone has been talking about!
#SilentSunday 26th May 2013
32 minutes ago