Saturday, September 23, 2006


We all know them, those obnoxious know-it-all moms who can't help showing off about their child's incredible developmental milestones. You know the ones I mean, they always wear pastel colored jogging suits and have perfectly coiffed over-blonde hair and full face make up.

"Did I tell you what Brandon can do now?" Bragging Mom asked me yesterday, as she accosted me at the school gates. "I can't tell you how easy my mornings have become since Brandon (5) learnt to get himself out of bed and then make his own cereal and quietly switch on the TV. It frees me up to put on my orange pancake makeup, as well as allowing me to indulge in a quickie with my Ken Doll husband who, as he enters me, cries, 'The Eagle has landed!'" Actually, she didn't say that last bit, but from her inane smile, I knew that's what she was thinking.


You never have a comeback at the time, do you? Well, yesterday I did.

"That's great," I said, "but can Brandon use the DVD remote?"

"The what?" she said, looking flustered.

"Yeah," I said coolly, "Scarlett (5) knows all the functions now. Fast forward, pause, eject, play. She just gets up in the morning, slips in a DVD and her and Sausage watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, while I drag my sorry arse out of bed."

She shuffled off, and I savored the victory of trouncing her for once.

Oh yes, Scarlett has finally, finally, mastered the DVD remote, and now I can sometimes read more than two pages of a novel, file my nails, or even read an article on Multiple Orgasms 101 without Scarlett screaming, "Mommy! MOMMMMMMEEEEE! How do I get this DVD to play?"

It's heaven, it's bliss. I have so much to be thankful for.

Too much.

My encounter with Bragging Mom got me thinking about all my personal goals and how they have all been ticked off.

A few months ago I was:

1. Fat.
2. Obsessed with chocolate. If I dropped an M&M on the pavement I would pick it up and eat it. I had a serious problem.
3. Waiting for Sausage (3) to start going to pre-school every day.
4. Waiting for Sausage to grow to the required height to be able to go into the IKEA daycare room so that I could shop in peace.

Now, after being forced by my mom to walk eight hours a day a very pleasant and energizing holiday in Vienna, I find myself:

1. A reformed couch potato with a smoking body and an urge to work out at the gym.
2. No longer obsessed with chocolate. I went into a shop just now, thinking I might buy myself a bar. But NONE OF THE BARS APPEALED TO ME. I ended up buying a package of prunes. Prunes! I no longer have a craving for chocolate. Someone must have rewired my brain or something. It's so wierd.
3. With nothing to occupy my mind while Sausage is at school in the mornings (Scarlett is at school until 3.30, when she is delivered to my door on the school bus).
4. Able to shop at IKEA in peace because Sausage has reached the required height.

It's all good, you're probably thinking.

But it's not!

I find that now, with all my goals achieved and with both kids at school, I'm bored. Yes, of course, now that I have my incredible new body, I've thought of taking a job as a pole dancer. But does anyone know of a club that operates during the pre-school hours of nine to twelve?

It's a very desperate situation.

I have nothing to worry about! Nothing. Not even a chocolate craving to keep me busy looking down the back of the sofa for lost dimes so that I can rush out to Seven Eleven and have a chocolate binge.

I've got to the point where I'm desperate for some form of anxiety high. In fact, I'm going to have to ask you to offload your problems on me, so that I have something to worry about. Which is quite sad, when you really think about it.

So, anyway, has anyone got any juicy problems they want to share?


Kevin Charnas said...

I actually do know a "Gentleman's" club in Cleveland, Ohio that used to be open during that time. They had an excellent "all-you-can-eat" (hehe) prime rib buffet starting at 11am. I was a social worker then and the other male social workers and myself would go just in time to watch the parade of bimbos and eat lots of prime rib.

I actually think that they opened at 9am.

and "orange pancake make-up" made me snort with laughter, especially with the image of her saying it herself.

Anonymous said...

Okay Miss Thang! Show us your hot bod! Where is the photo? The bloguniverse wants to see your new hotness - and to be jealous!!

cesca said...


Okay, I'm feeling fat and craving chocolate. My two kids are too young for school and the school holidays have just started here so I have two weeks without my usual 2 hour break twice a week when my eldest is at kindy and my youngest is at daycare. I can't get my sorry a into g enough to get started on renovating my house - it terrifies the living daylights out of me. I know all I have to do is hand over my credit card and choose appliances and colours, but that sounds pretty downright scary to me.

Apart from that, everything's great!

As for pole dancing in the mornings.. maybe you could do some kind of on-line pole dancing for people in different time zones... when it's 9am at your house it'll be 9pm at mine. (or thereabouts).

Ari said...

The eagle has landed!!! hehehehehe

Chocolate cravings do seem to be self-perpetuated. When you stop eating it all the damn time, you stop wanting it.

Let's see, problem: my dogs, even though I love them so, still poop on the floor now and again.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Can I share my stonking great hangover? I'm really looking for someone to take it wholly off my hands, but sharing even a small fraction of this nauseous, toxic blinder.

And I have to go to a pirate festival with the children today in 90+ degree weather. If anyone wants to help out there gimme a shout out, but, for God's sake, try to shout-out as quietly as possible.

Viscountess of Funk said...

Please come to my house. You can figure out where I'm going to find $60,000 for a new bathroom addition because I've spent it all on various bills and now have to find come up with said amount to pay contractors. Please also know that I have pooping Shih tzu.

Mommy off the Record said...

My biggest problem right now is that my cat hasn't come home for 4 days. We think he's been fed by our crazy neighbor across the street :(

On a lighter note, that "Eagle has landed" line completely cracked me up.

Teri said...

Ah...the bragging mommies. Very entertaining post chica. I touched on this in a post called "The cat's meow." Sounds like you have it handled. Pole dancing anyone?

Ciao for now...

Emma Kaufmann said...

Oh, the Joys ... I specifically did not post my picture, since I knew it would just make everyone jealous. But if you insist,here goes. I'm the one on the left. See, I knew it would make you want to poke my eyes out.

Thank you so much for sending me your problems people... I am sitting here with earplugs in and a mouth that feels like a rat just died in there, while I take on Sam's mother of all hangovers. Meanwhile I'm making myself sick with worry choosing Cesca's colours for her house renovation, I'm thinking neutrals with translucent white drapes, but are neutrals so yesterday, oh gosh, I don't know. I'm also worried about Ari and Viscountess's pooping dogs, I hope there's not something seriously wrong with them. Should I call the vet and risk a huge bill? Oh Christ! Now I'm off across the street to knock on Mommy off the Record's crazy neighbour's door to ask her what she's done with her cat.

Thanks, I'm really enjoying my worry fest. It hurts so good!

Kristin said...

My fat pants feel tight.

Hippie Mama said...

School days and learning to use remotes seem so, so far away. We're at the "I'm going to cry if you put me down to do anything, even important necessary things like going to the bathroom and cleaning, and then I'll pull myself up on your legs and hold onto you and wail mamamamamam and give you a look like, 'why don't you love me, mama?' and make you feel guilty and crazy at the same time" stage.

Erin said...

I need a job preferably one that will pay all of my bills.

mad muthas said...

one woman's milestones are another woman's millstones.
mayhap you were abducted by aliens in vienna (?). that chocolate thing is just tooooo weird. snap out of it, for goddess' sake ....

Kira said...

send chocolate to my house. pronto. and don't worry, if you keep eating my almonds you'll be back where you were :) just kidding

Crankmama said...

Thank GOD you gave Bragging Mom her smackdown. My response to those BMs is to say something like "oh, dear, my kids still wet their pants and can barely walk by themselves... I guess Im doing something wrong.."

I hear you on the goals accomplished thing... though I dont have that problem myself... just having now discovered the unpleasant weight gain associated with weaning baby dot.

You are my hero. Maybe your new goal should be to write a book about starting a pole dancing club for hot mamas!

Anonymous said...

Argh, bragging mothers. Next time, say "Gosh, I'm glad it's not a competition".

I get bored shitless having nothing to worry about. I think that's why I put things off until the last minute, so I've always got something I know I should be doing.

(Naughty secret: I took pole-dancing lessons a few years ago, just for a laugh. I could never, would never, do it as a job, but the classes were brilliant, upside-down fun. Fun like dressing up when you have the house to yourself, fun like climbing trees. I loved it.)

Anonymous said...

Argh, bragging mothers. Next time, say "Gosh, I'm glad it's not a competition".

I get bored shitless having nothing to worry about. I think that's why I put things off until the last minute, so I've always got something I know I should be doing.

(Naughty secret: I took pole-dancing lessons a few years ago, just for a laugh. I could never, would never, do it as a job, but the classes were brilliant, upside-down fun. Fun like dressing up when you have the house to yourself, fun like climbing trees. I loved it.)

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
crazymumma said...

Oh you are hilarious woman! The Eagle Has Landed, I practically snorted my wine onto my keyboard, and what a sorry waste that would be....You are talking about the 'competimoms', we all know them and loathe them, all you can do is nod and smile and hope to god tehy go somewhere else.

Ummm, and I am sure you and your smokin' bod can find a nice 'club' somewhere downtown...just make sure they have internet so you can blog between sets.....

Oh, and I was a fitness cripple for THREE days. Pathetic.

kiki said...

there are plenty of 24-hour strip joints in vegas

some how i know this...

i don't really have any problems either. can you finish my degree for me??

Emma Kaufmann said...

Kiki...Er, no, I don't fancy finishing your degree. I do however, fancy doing all the drinking and partying that goes with it. Although I'm sure you can handle that side of things yourself!

Emma Kaufmann said...

Antonia ... I was only kidding about the pole dancing. I don't think I am athletic enough to do it. Also you have to hang upside down I think, I know damn well I wouldn't be able to manage that.

Anonymous said...

Those moms get on my tits. Looking down their very powdered noses at me as I stumble disheveled and uncaffinated to the school in the morning.

I am a clothing designer and a mom and normally I just look like crap. I'm busy and it's all I can do to pull on a pair of jeans and a top let alone be perfectly coiffed. When anyone of those 'lipstick lizards' as I call them find out what I do, their reaction is always the same. The slow up and down look. To which I respond " I know! You thought I was a supermodel right?"

Miss Devylish said...

Ha.. you crack me up. I feel fat but what's sad is that I haven't even had kids. I did, however, cure my cat of pooing in the living room! What a relief. So the only problem I have right now is that I'm tired of being single.. can you take that on? Really.. it seems like a lot - more so than the hangover person. But good luck!

Emma Kaufmann said...

Miss Devylish ... Glad your dogs have stopped pooing. Okay, as a last favor I'm going to worry about you being single. Oh God, I don't think I can. After six years of marriage you forget all the bad things about being single: awful one night stands, the loneliness, dating men that turn out to be mad. All I can remember is the fun side of it. Flirting with guys in bars, hot sex and having eggs benedict in pretentious cafes the morning after. But I'll try and find you a good guy. I will, okay?

Kim Stagliano said...

Three kids with autism. Nuff said.